It is hard to be mad, but….
Share Experience
It is hard to be mad, when someone says that they are acting or speaking in a certain way because they love you and want what’s best for you. This happened to me this evening.
For those who haven’t read my recent posts,I recently came out to my wife as trans after suffering from gender dysphoria for 40 years. I knew it would be a shock to her but hoped that because we love each other and have been together for 27 years, that we could find a way to work through this and to hopefully find a way for me to get what I want, to live as a woman.
Unfortunately, that did not happen. I now feel more restricted than I did when I was in the closet. She doesn’t want to see me dressed en femme, I can’t even wear a bra or panties without disapproval. I have been openly wearing a pair of girlfriend jeans around the house the last few days, but she has been oblivious to the fact that they are womens jeans. I would love to come home from work, take off my uniform and slip into a light dress and some wedge heels. But that isn’t going to happen as things stand at the moment.
Instead, she is killing me softly with love bombs, reminding me of our vows to each other, sending me love notes and having deep conversations with me during which she essentially berates me for telling her that I have felt “trapped” in our marriage and like I am living a “lie”. This was taken out of context of course. What I actually said was that when my sister came out as trans I had to become the good son who carried on the family name and was trapped in this man’s body throughout our marriage and that as a result it felt like I had been living a lie all of my life. Throughout this I kept reiterating to her that I didn’t feel trapped by her but by the dichotomy warring within me and that I loved her and didn’t want to be with anyone but her.
After this conversation I then get the argument that I am a man and that if I changed that I would only be lying to myself and giving into the “curse” that is being transgender. She proceeded to tell me how she would be praying and fasting for me to be set free of this curse. And that her desire for us was to be together until we are both old and doddery. However, if I transitioned, that would never be as she could never see herself with me as a woman.
I was very thankful that. Could change the subject as nothing I say at the moment is getting through to her. I know that she loves me and just wants things to go back to how they were when she was in the dark and I was living a lie. Or even better for her to a time when I was able to keep this part of myself fully suppressed and my egg was fully intact. But I don’t know if that is possible right now or maybe not ever.
I also know that many of you will say that if she loved me she would let me be the woman I have hidden away for 40 years. Or that I would be better off without her, but I don’t agree. She is my best friend and has been my biggest support for half of my life. She is the mother of my children and I did vow to love her and protect her until Jesus takes us home. My faith is important to me as are the vows I made to her. But I am stuck in a hard place, I want to be the woman on the outside that I see when I look into the mirror.I have lived in this shell for 53 years and I want to spend the remainder of my life as a woman.. but I also want to be with the woman I fell in love with almost 3 decades ago and whom I vowed to live my life with.
For this I am even willing to put aside dreams of having sexual relations with men as a woman. But I think these are fools dreams.
