Wow, you just described my life. I spent 47 years wishing I was a girl, but feeling like that wasn’t possible. I worked hard to be the best boy I could be, following all of the standards…. Sports, school, military service, marriage, and of course, divorce…. I re-married to a wonderful cis woman who is bi and the most understanding, patient woman I ever met. Then I got sick, couldn’t keep my business running, and crashed and burned. A couple years of drinking, six months institutionalized, and I still didn’t know what to do. Now I’m medically retired and had another bout of drinking and being suicidal right to the edge. Now, I’ve finally realized that I don’t have to pretend to be anything but myself. Now I’m out to my wife and friends and beginning the long journey of transition. I’m scared and thrilled and an emotional mess and I have the support of a wonderful wife, children, and friends.
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I’ve been wearing thongs for years. I have actually worn exclusively women’s panties for at least ten years. I don’t even own any male underwear. I find thongs very comfortable and liberating. I only recently realized and came out as trans. I should have done it years ago. I always thought that transitioning was for “other people” and I couldn’t do it myself. I finally realized that I really am a woman and all of the faking in the world would never make me comfortable as a man.
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I think the most fitting term I’ve heard for myself is Transbian. (AMAB MtF) I’ve always felt female and I really have never been comfortable around men. I think that partially comes from my somehow always finding friends who had some sort of sexual trauma. Then, my ex-wife abused me mentally and physically and I wasn’t willing to fight back for fear of hurting her. It’s been a rough road and I’ve crashed and burned a few times. Now my new wife (cis f, bi) and I are learning to work through things and build our best life. Oddly enough my parents were wonderful and I grew up in an amazing family. Sadly that can’t last forever.
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Just another voice to say I love women so much I want to be one and I dislike men so much I dislike myself. All I can do is be my best self. It sounds like you’re on a similar path.
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