Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have an awesome, intelligent 14-year-old son who identifies as bisexual. We are totally accepting and supportive of him. He has had a few short-lived crushes on different genders, though he doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in dating right now. His internet search histories are pretty benign—mostly video game stuff, and the occasional search for “hot girls” and “boobs.”
The other day, my husband was searching for our elderly cat and found her under our son’s bed. He also found two weird things under there: a small spray bottle of oil and an unidentified phallic object. After asking our son about these items, he finally told us that the oil was olive oil from the kitchen that he put into a cleaned-out empty bottle and the phallic object was some “thing” he found on the ground at school. (At first glance it looks like a plastic single cigar holder, but it’s not.)
When asked why he had these things under his bed, we learned that he has been masturbating with them anally. So we had a very frank, honest conversation about the danger of inserting items not meant for your body and using lubricants also intended to be safe for the body. (Both items went into the trash.) We told him that sex toys and dildos exist, they are body-safe, and that the ones made specifically for anal stimulation have a flared base and/or a ring on the end so nothing gets lost up there and can be removed without a struggle. We told him that at his age and experience level, he should not be inserting anything into his butt and that he’s too young to even purchase a dildo if he wanted one. We talked about the age of consent, what that means, and the emotional impacts of getting into sexual relationships at such a young age. He also got a refresher about safe sex practices, always using a condom whether it’s vaginal or anal sex to prevent pregnancy and STIs, how anal sex can be high risk due to the anatomy of the anus, etc.
He will be starting high school in a few weeks and we live in a very liberal state, so his sex education will be very comprehensive and inclusive. He also knows he can come to me or his dad any time he has questions about sex.
We’re non-judgmental and we would never shame him, but should we be more worried? We tried to approach this in a completely neutral way because we were both deeply shamed as teens by family for our sexualities (both bi), and we both started having sex way too early. I can’t help but be a little concerned that he found a “thing,” grabbed some olive oil and decided it would be a good way to get off. I can kinda follow the 14-year-old logic, but it was a bit of a shock. I was expecting to find a crusty sock or underwear in his room, not this. Any advice or additional information to help us parent our way through this would be amazing. The parenting books definitely don’t tell you what to do when you find a makeshift dildo in your kid’s room.
—Mom of a Bi-Curious Teen
Dear Mom of a Bi-Curious Teen,
Here’s the number one reason you shouldn’t be more worried about your son: He has (seemingly) awesome parents who can speak with him openly about not just sex, but its finer details. You found something he’s been sticking up his butt under his bed and he actually had a conversation with you about it, as opposed to spontaneously combusting from embarrassment. You’re raising someone who can talk about sex, which includes the articulation of desires that aren’t typical of the status quo. So many kids at that age just want to fit in, but your son isn’t afraid to own up to his difference. Sounds like you’re all doing great.
I’m not sure that his curiosity is misplaced. I can relate to his teenage inanimate-object curiosity, and look how I turned out! (My object of choice, for a period, was a highlighter, like the classic, neon yellow type. It did nothing for me, but I’m glad it didn’t deter me on my journey to regular butt-stuff enjoyer.)
Heather Corrina, a writer, activist, and founder of the sex-ed website Scarleteen, agreed when I showed them your letter. “I don’t think they should be more worried, and in fact, I don’t think they need to be worried at all,” they wrote in an email. “As they probably know from having this kid when he was a toddler, people sticking things into orifices out of curiosity and because it feels good is a really common thing that people do. If we have the idea that there’s something weirder or more disconcerting about that orifice being an anus rather than a mouth or vagina, we can be pretty sure that’s probably only very common cultural shame and fear about the anus and maybe even some homophobia talking. No judgments there: no one is immune from this stuff.”
Corrina continued with what I think is a salient point regarding his age and anal masturbation:
Corrina and I agree that buying him a sex toy isn’t the move here, though they did suggest providing latex gloves, condoms, and finger cots. I don’t think lube is a bad idea either—I remember using anything slick that I could get my hands on at your son’s age (including, insanely, shaving cream from a fragrance gift set that I got for Christmas). I paid for it in UTIs.I also want to say that anal sex without a partner isn’t something that is somehow unsafe for someone 14, but then different at 18 or older. The anus and rectum don’t change in any way during that time period. The only thing that really does are laws when it comes to sex with partners, be it sex involving the anus or not. It also sounds like maybe these parents’ own feelings that their sexual exploration felt too early might be coloring their feelings here. I’d be curious to know what felt too early for them and, far more importantly, why things felt too early. Was it about consent? Pressure to be sexual? Lack of information to make informed choices? Whatever the reasons, are they actually concerned any of them are at play here? Because it sounds to me like that’d be unlikely, and probably in part because of their own good parenting when it comes to sex.
In terms of resources, here’s a Scarleteen piece about D.I.Y. sex toys. (A little note from Corrina: “We are only free for young people if adults donate to help fund us,” so consider ponying up if you appreciate the vast services the site provides.)
Corrina’s book S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-to-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties is also a good resource. They pointed out that your son’s sex ed may be “comprehensive and inclusive,” but is unlikely to include anything besides the most basic anatomical information about the anus, and may not include anything on masturbation, particularly of the anal variety. (“‘Comprehensive and inclusive’ can tend to mean as comprehensive and inclusive as we can be within the confines of the lowest common denominator on the average school board,’” is how Corrina put it.) Just a heads up that your son may need more than he’s getting at school, which is exactly why something like Scarleteen exists. You might want to give him the URL.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a straight man in my early 50s. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 15 years. I’ve always had a problem with intimacy, though. I need to orgasm, which leads me to masturbation. When I masturbate, it makes orgasming during intercourse difficult, and sometimes impossible. A typical pattern for me is not masturbating for a couple weeks—say, when my wife is in the midst of her menstrual cycle. This makes me insanely horny, and I have a great orgasm during regular sex. Then, because I’m so turned on, I need to masturbate, making orgasming during sex difficult once again.
I’m constantly in this state of hunger versus satiation. I know my wife is sometimes frustrated when I don’t orgasm during intercourse, but she seems used to it now. I would prefer not to have these times of hunger, though—they make me crazy. Any science on this issue? Thoughts on how to proceed?
—Always Horny
Dear Always Horny,
You’re constantly in a state of hunger versus satiation—welcome to Earth! You’ve described the human condition in less than 10 words. I wish I could send you a tote bag as a prize. My answer will just have to suffice.
Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of great data on your issue. The authors of a 2020 paper titled “Abstinence from Masturbation and Hypersexuality” that ran in the Archives of Sexual Behavior state it plainly: “Abstinence from masturbation has remained unexplored.” The described study surveyed redditors from various relevant subreddits on their motivations for abstaining from masturbation, and found “abstinence motivation was mostly associated with attitudinal correlates, specifically the perception of masturbation as unhealthy.” So, not quite relevant to your situation (and by the way, masturbation is perfectly healthy). Other studies have been performed to test masturbation’s effect on testosterone, but as biochemistry professor Daniel Kelly wrote in a 2021 piece for The Conversation on the purported benefits of the principles of the culty (and often pseudoscientific) masturbation-/porn-abstience community NoFap, “At best, the evidence linking masturbation with changes in testosterone levels is limited and with mixed conclusions.” Some data suggests abstinence boosts testosterone, some suggests that masturbation/sex boosts it.
Keep in mind, too, that while testosterone and libido have been linked, “it is far from a perfect relationship,” according to Dr. Charles Welliver (director of men’s health at Albany Medical College). One 2006 study found that while “libido and T concentrations are strongly related at the population level … the value of individual patient reports of reduced libido as indicators of low T levels is open to question.” I sent Welliver your question, and he confirmed that “nothing has convincingly looked at abstinence or increased sexual activity and testosterone levels (at least that I know of).”
So what do we know? “Certainly scarcity increases interest. I don’t think we need a study to tell us that,” wrote Welliver. I suspect that a lot of this ranges from person to person, which means trial and error. It could be that your current masturbation cycle isn’t optimized for you. What if, instead of masturbating after sex, you hold off or, and perhaps up the sexual frequency with your wife (provided that she’s into it)? Or, have you tried edging? You might find that this option lets you experience the pleasure of masturbation, while letting you conserve the fluids you’d like to save for sex with your wife. Expanding what “masturbation” means to you might also help. If you’re horny, there are plenty of hot things you can do other than ejaculate. Try experimenting with sensation play, explore anal and/ or prostate stimulation, write a dirty note to your wife, channel your sexual energy into pleasuring her—the list goes on.
Or, if you and your wife are kinky (or at least adventurous), you could always experiment with chastity cages. They’re not for everyone, and they come with a bit of a safety warning, but many couples find it hot to have one partner’s cock locked up in a comfortable little cage so they don’t masturbate. Could be a good way to eroticize your issue and turn it into something connecting for you and your wife.
If you feel like your sex life is being affected by your masturbation habits, well, your pleasure is in your hands (literally!) and you can weigh what’s more important and act accordingly. Maybe you don’t want to go weeks without orgasm before sex—have you tried a week? A few days? Play around with your timing—in the absence of hard data to provide a science-based pathway, you’re going to have to listen to your body and tailor your habits to what best suits it.
Dear How to Do It,
Over the last month or so I’ve been causally dating and sleeping with a man. When we first started having sex, he was very engaged and adventurous, which was a huge turn on, and led to me finishing most of the time.
However, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed that he has settled into a routine during sex which leads to him finishing, and me, well … not. I can be quite vocal when I’m having sex, so I can see how he might mistake me as being closer to orgasm than I really am.
Obviously, this is something that needs to be addressed through conversation. The thing I’m struggling with is how to bring it up. Do I sit him down for a serious conversation or do I wait until I can casually mention it? How do I ask him to keep going after he’s orgasmed without offending his pride? I think he’d be open to the conversation, I just find it insanely awkward to get the conversation started.
—Almost There
Dear Almost There,
In your letter, you come off as kind—perhaps overly so. You came equipped with an excuse for this guy (“I can be quite vocal when I’m having sex, so I can see how he might mistake me as being closer to orgasm than I really am”) and you’ve specifically solicited advice that will circumvent the bruising of his pride. I appreciate kindness, and I do think there’s something to be said for its role as a strategy for getting what you want. After all, you’re not likely to have much luck browbeating someone into helping you come. And though this is a potentially sensitive conversation, I think you should go into it knowing that you’re completely justified and, nonetheless, you do run the risk of pushback, defensiveness, and/or petulance. It’s not how it should be, but it’s how it could be, so prepare yourself.
I point this out because someone who conveniently overlooks his partner’s orgasm seems capable of exploiting said partner’s non-confrontational, gentle manner. He might be giving you data that you can use to decide whether this relationship is actually right for you. It’s been a month, but it’s never too early to spot a red flag and act accordingly.
But to give him the benefit of the doubt, which you are clearly inclined to do, I think the timing of this conversation depends on what you’re looking for. If he comes and you haven’t and you want to get off with him in ways that don’t involve his presumably wilting penis, you have every right to ask him to help you out. You can say, “I haven’t come yet, could we X?” (Fill in the X with whatever you think will help you reach climax—kissing, fondling, buttplay, oral, toys, etc.) If what you’re looking for is PIV till you climax, that can be a bit tougher to produce on command, but you can at least ask him to try. Or, if there’s a type of stimulation that’s likely to make you come, you could also ask to try that before you have PIV—that way, you get the opportunity to come first, and he can finish second. You also mentioned that him being engaged and adventurous is what got you off—let him know that’s what got you there so he can focus on doing it again.
Pick a time when you’re getting along and there’s no palpable stress bogging down either of you. Ask him if you can talk about something for a sec and tell him, in whatever words are right for you, that you haven’t been orgasming during sex and you’d like his assistance there. Refrain from blaming him or making it seem like his fault (even if you believe it is). You’ve come with him before, so you both know it’s possible—you’re not asking him to cross a bridge to potentially nowhere. A giving partner will receive you in good faith and pledge to make the effort without getting pissy (or worse). If he does react negatively, that’s another red flag. Again, it’s been a month—know that the offramp should be short and painless should you choose to take it.
—Rich
(but then the guide says that you can only use that toothbrush for jacking off purposes now. Fair, but then what the fuck is the point of using the toothbrush in the first place so it's more "secretive"? You don't think people are going to ask why you have a second toothbrush?)
