| not a vent, but someone might find this post uneasy, so proceed with caution |
hi everyone, this is my first time messing around here, but i wanted to discuss with my sisters and allies about a singular event that happened 4ish months ago, when i came out to (omg spoiler alert) my now ex best friend, who will be called “pear” in this story
i’ve known him since 6th grade, as acquaintances, but during high school we took different paths and only got close starting from 2021/22, when i started hanging out with a friend group i didn’t know he was a part of.
me and him became INSEPARABLE, but note that this was before i’ve ever came at peace with myself and accepted the lady i was supposed to be born as.
new movie out in theaters? me and himtrainrides to wherever? me and him
casino nights(???????) me and him
hanging out a lot with the group itself, but damn i think you get the point
we used to spend a lot of time and nights at a group member’s house, (since he had a massive mansion with a pool, most of our summers we were there having fun) in which
we used to do what most deranged (european) teen boys do: gaming, smoking, drinking… and so on
during some of these nights the homosexuality rate of actions just used to spike to the ceiling and kisses, buttslaps, helicopters, acting “gay and slutty” was just the standard.
i used to find it hilarious.
until one day
one specific kiss
one specific kiss with pear felt different
i felt my heart rate suddenly go up, but i thought it was a panic attack (since i used to suffer from that a lot), and i actually started thinking i was into him, not having that much of a problem with it since i’ve always been BI since i have memory.
i’ve never ever talked about that to pear, but there were times when before one of our monthly trips i told him it’d be easier for him to come to sleep at my place so that we could’ve woken up together without me having to go all the way to his house (very far from the train station) to pick him up.
and he did, we slept cuddled up in my small bed, and just went with our day
but i felt it againthat sense of peace and happiness
…
2 years later i left the friend group, things became toxic and i’ve never felt that out of place in my life, those people were superficial, never cared about real problems, never wanted to talk about deep topics, and i got to this conclusion way too late if you ask me.
me and him kept hanging out like normal, but time passed, his job demanded more time, and my university did the same
more time
more effort
and eventually we never even saw each other once a month
we were actively orbiting away from each other and i was feeling so lost
so alone
but this time alone eventually led to me discovering the truth about my identity, i started watching trans tips and advices on youtube, worked my feelings out with my therapist, and started talking about it in videogames, opening up to random people, noticing “the thing” actually made me feel like myself.
but i hadn’t told anyone irl yet, kept being the man the world always knew
some months passed and i was about to get my prescription for HRT, and i was so excited, i HAD to tell someone,
i HAD to tell him.
so i reached outand asked if he’d be free that weekendhe said sureand i was so so so so happy because i was able to fight the fear of opening up, maybe because i trusted him with my life, i guess
i pick him up at his house, and we head to the local lake, at night.
after a bit of chitchatting about how the work and uni were going, i said i had to tell him something, that he was the only i trusted enough to open up
so i actually open up to him, i explain i always had an absolute shit time looking myself at the mirror, that i showered with lights off, that i couldn’t stand being 6’0, and that i was about to start my medical journey, but i reassured him that he’d always have a friend in me, that i wouldn’t forget about our great time together, and that i was thriving to see the future that my life had prepared for me (i was basically crying)
and MAN
the absolute horror in his eyeshe tried to mask itbut i saw it, i saw it all
i felt the disgust he was feeling, directly in my chest
“ahh- ehh, i’m happy for you, nice.”
his tone was so off and completely switched compared to how the night begun
“i- i don’t know,
the only thing i can tell you is that you’ll always be a man to my eyes, no matter what”
in that precise moment my heart shattered and i just went numb
i honestly don’t remember how the rest of the night went, but
i haven’t heard from him since
i now feel good, i found a small gaming group of cis friends who respect me and absolutely don’t give a F*CK about my identity, orientation…
they don’t just treat me as one of them, i AM one of them.
and the only times we actually talk about my transition is them asking me advice on how to make me feel comfortable and seen in a group of all guys
i feel my spark is coming back, day after day i am healing from that disastrous disappointment of a “friendship” and even though i think about him time to time, life feels actually liveable now that i am on HRT, no more autodistruction, no more self doubt,
i am growing stronger everyday
AND WITH BOOBIES 

i wanted to ask you all if you happened to live through similar experiences, and if so, how did it go for you? how did THAT person react? if you could rewind, would you still tell them?