I’ve dated a lot of insane girls. You get blinders on sometimes and that one day they will grow up. You can find poems from 2000 years ago of dudes going “well fuck me that bitch is crazy”
Pompeii graffiti from 2000 years ago - people are people.
Everyone is now familiar with the release of quite explicit photos and service charges found on the walls of a brothel excavated at Pompeii, the resort town destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 CCE. Now for your viewing pleasure comes a list of bawdy graffiti scrawled on the walls of Herculaneum and Pompeii
Here is a summary of some of the funniest and rudest graffiti translated so far:
Tavern of Verecundus: Restitutus says: "Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates".
Bar/Brothel of Innulus and Papilio: Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men's behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
House of the Citharist, below a drawing of a man with a large nose: Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.
House of Cuspius Pansa: The finances officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison (a 2000 year old restaurant critic!)
Bar: We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.
House and Office of Volusius Luvencus: Secundus says hello to his Prima, wherever she is. I ask, my mistress, that you love me.
Bar of Athictus: I screwed the barmaid (that's just boasting)
Pottery Shop or Bar of Nicanor: Lesbianus, you defecate and you write, 'Hello, everyone!'
Gladiator barracks: Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.
Gladiator barracks: Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera.
House of Pascius Hermes: Watch it, you that shits in this place! May you have Jove's anger if you ignore this.
Street wall: Theophilus, don't perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog
Exterior of a small house: Gaius Sabinus says a fond hello to Statius. Traveler, you eat bread in Pompeii but you go to Nuceria to drink. At Nuceria, the drinking is better (second ever restaurant critic?)
House of Cosmus and Epidia: Aufidius was here. Goodbye
Just outside the Vesuvius gate: Shitter, may everything turn out okay so that you can leave this place
Barracks of the Julian-Claudian gladiators: Celadus the Thracian makes the girls moan! (there's no praise like self praise)
On the Street of Mercury: Publius Comicius Restitutus stood right here with his brother
House of Sextus Pompeius Axiochus and Julia Helena: Hectice, baby, Mercator says hello to you
Vico degli Scienziati: Cruel Lalagus, why do you not love me?
House of Orpheus: I have buggered men
Wood-Working Shop of Potitus, next to a bar: Would that you pay for all your tricks, innkeeper. You sell us water and keep the good wine for yourself
Atrium of the House of Pinarius: If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girlfriend (awww)
House of Caesius Blandus: It took 640 paces to walk back and forth between here and there ten times
Vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii Merchants: Atimetus got me pregnant (oops)
House of Caprasius Primus: I don't want to sell my husband, not for all the gold in the world
Eumachia Building, via della Abbondanza: Secundus likes to screw boys.
The Lupinare: I screwed a lot of girls here
The Lupinare: On June 15th, Hermeros screwed here with Phileterus and Caphisus
The Lupinare: Sollemnes, you screw well!
Vico d' Eumachia, brothel: Gaius Valerius Venustus, soldier of the 1st praetorian cohort, in the century of Rufus, screwer of women
Vico d' Eumachia, brothel: Vibius Restitutus slept here alone and missed his darling Urbana
Street of the Theaters: A copper pot went missing from my shop. Anyone who returns it to me will be given 65 bronze coins (sestertii). 20 more will be given for information leading to the capture of the thief (a reward poster!)
Above a bench outside the Marine Gate: If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii.
In the bascilica: I could caress Venus's ribs with a stick, and whip her buttocks with a switch: she pierced my heart, and I would gladly break her head with a cudgel!
In the basilica: Phileros is a eunuch! (back to insults)
In the basilica: Epaphra, you are bald! (sticks and stones...)
In the basilica: Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they ever have before! (ouch)
In the basilica: Take hold of your servant girl whenever you want to; it's your right
In the basilica: Samius to Cornelius: go hang yourself!
In the basilica: The man I am having dinner with is a barbarian
In the basilica: Alternative translation: Someone at whose table I do not dine, Lucius Istacidius, is a barbarian to me
In the basilica: The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
In the basilica: O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed you have not already collapsed in ruin (this is my favourite)
In the basilica: Epaphra is not good at ball games
In the basilica: Lucius Istacidius, I regard as a stranger anyone who doesn’t invite me to dinner
Inn of the Muledrivers; left of the door: We have pissed in our beds. Host, I admit that we shouldn't have done this. If you ask: Why? There was no potty
House of the Centenary; in the latrine near the front door: "Secundus defecated here" three time on one wall
House of the Centenary; in the atrium: My lusty son, with how many women have you had sexual relations?
Triclinium of a house: Restitutus has deceived many girls (same Restitutus who asked Restituta to show us her hairy privates?)
Herculaneum bar: Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores
Herculaneum bar: Apelles the chamberlain with Dexter, a slave of Caesar, ate here most agreeably and had a screw at the same time (not exactly at the same time I hope? Hang on, are you the guys who threw out Epaphroditus?)
Herculaneum bar, next to a drawing of a phallus: Handle with care
Herculaneum bar: Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice
Herculaneum, on a water distribution tower: Anyone who wants to shit in this place is advised to move along. If you act contrary to this warning, you will have to pay a penalty. Children must pay silver coins. Slaves will be beaten on their behinds
Herculaneum, on the exterior wall of a house: Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, shat well here
Gladiator barracks: On April 19th, I made bread
Severus: Successus, a weaver, loves the innkeeper’s slave girl named Iris. She, however, does not love him. Still, he begs her to have pity on him. His rival wrote this. Goodbye.
Successus: Envious one, why do you get in the way. Submit to a handsomer man and one who is being treated very wrongly and good looking.
Severus: I have spoken. I have written all there is to say. You love Iris, but she does not love you.
were not, whether bc they were liars or fakes or unreconciliably damaged or dysfunctional, or just weren't a good match.
