Redesigning Eva: A Thriller by Connor

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Yo i found your DeviantArt
 
Here's some things I'm going to mention, by chapter.

THE DREAM: Repeating "And down." three times doesn't stick. You should never use "And" as the start of a sentence, especially when it's not dialogue.
ENTER EVA: "Krieger was, to Eva, a regular Keyser Soze." Name-dropping only works if it's someone everyone has heard about (Hitler, Lincoln, Shakespeare). A movie villain, even a relatively well-known one, doesn't stick. Besides, if Eva is supposed to be this outcast, she sure watches a lot of movies.
CLASS WITHOUT CLASS: If you're at all hoping for something realistic, at least tone down the nurse's antics. No nurse, even a corrupt one, would act like a spaz.
LUNCH: I know high school was probably oppressive for you, but was it really akin to a co-ed prison camp?
A FAMILY MAN: Don't make up a new word, and explain it in the next sentence. Also, the use of the word "bifocals" instead of "glasses" seems kind of off.
DOWN INTO THE ABYSS: And another potentially interesting character is never heard from again. There's nothing up to or past this point that explains why they were making apes capable of human speech.
KLAUS THE KILLER: Why exactly are they working with Klaus again? He reads like a Hannibal expy.
THE GIFT: Gah! 8 chapters in and now the narrator comes in? If it's third person, write it third person. If it's a framing story and the narrator is a separate personality, put that in the first chapter.
WELCOME TO THE MACHINE, MY GIRL: The whole goal of this "Prometheus Corporation" is extremely shady. Is this government regulated, and if it isn't, shouldn't it have a legitimate business front?
MISSING PIECES: And now, we focus on the sex life of another secondary character.
THE NIGHT DIGGER: She's quoting "Sound of Silence"?
 
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Xarpho said:
Here's some things I'm going to mention, by chapter.

THE DREAM: Repeating "And down." three times doesn't stick. You should never use "And" as the start of a sentence, especially when it's not dialogue.
ENTER EVA: "Krieger was, to Eva, a regular Keyser Soze." Name-dropping only works if it's someone everyone has heard about (Hitler, Lincoln, Shakespeare). A movie villain, even a relatively well-known one, doesn't stick. Besides, if Eva is supposed to be this outcast, she sure watches a lot of movies.
CLASS WITHOUT CLASS: If you're at all hoping for something realistic, at least tone down the nurse's antics. No nurse, even a corrupt one, would act like a spaz.
LUNCH: I know high school was probably oppressive for you, but was it really akin to a co-ed prison camp?
A FAMILY MAN: Don't make up a new word, and explain it in the next sentence. Also, the use of the word "bifocals" instead of "glasses" seems kind of off.
DOWN INTO THE ABYSS: And another potentially interesting character is never heard from again. There's nothing up to or past this point that they were making apes capable of human speech.
KLAUS THE KILLER: Why exactly are they working with Klaus again? He reads like a Hannibal expy.
THE GIFT: Gah! 8 chapters in and now the narrator comes in? If it's third person, write it third person. If it's a framing story and the narrator is a separate personality, put that in the first chapter.
WELCOME TO THE MACHINE, MY GIRL: The whole goal of this "Promotheus Corporation" is extremely

[accidentally hit submit button, will fix this]
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Connor can't write for shit and won't take your advice.
 
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