I am the fly on the wall.

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A few years ago I overheard my neighbor say, "I have information that will lead to the arrest of Hilary Clinton." He killed himself by slitting his wrists and shooting himself in the back of the head four times a week later.
 
I heard a very senior manager brush his teeth while he was taking a shit.

I heard a guy wipe his ass only once after taking a shit.

I heard another guy walk out without washing his hands after shitting.

I heard a dude loudly talking to himself about how disgruntled he was while pissing.

Lots of good intel when you're sitting on the can. You learn whose hand to not shake.
 
I heard my parents having sex once in HS. Buddy and I stayed up late, pretended to sleep so they'd go to sleep. Then got up and went downstairs and ate cereal and watched tv. Start hearing squeaking right above us.
Grabbed a broom and banged on the ceiling yelling "keep it down!" Sat down and ate my cereal.
My friend was MORTIFIED.
 
Was sitting on my back porch once and heard this teenaged sounding kid come fucking booking down the street behind mine screaming on the verge of tears "BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! I DIDN'T DO IT!!!!". Stupid fuck must've gotten caught trying to steal shit off someone's property, I got a good laugh out of that.
 
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