Historical Lolcow General

[Male Idiot]

Can we say Isaac Newton?

Off the top of my head the dude lived in his mother's attic. He was autistic as shit and people hated him. He died a virgin and his woman skills were horrible. His hygiene was questionable. He was literally a historical "nice guy" that believed women should be honored by his presence.

Minus the board, he was a Chris of his time. Instead of crayolas, he did math about nothing and wrote letters harassing women.

He also had a long list of Clyde Cash Clashes and did math on like a dozen likely dates for the Apocalypse. If you slighted him, he remembered it for decades and even the smallest slight was avenged.

I took a course in his life for university credit once.

 

[Flowers For Sonichu]

Henry David Thoreau was one of the OG neckbeards. Louisa May Alcott said that Thoreau’s facial hair “will most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity.” Which is 19th century speak for "nigga is a wizard"

 

[Syaoran Li]

Can we say Isaac Newton?

Off the top of my head the dude lived in his mother's attic. He was autistic as shit and people hated him. He died a virgin and his woman skills were horrible. His hygiene was questionable. He was literally a historical "nice guy" that believed women should be honored by his presence.

Minus the board, he was a Chris of his time. Instead of crayolas, he did math about nothing and wrote letters harassing women.

Honestly, if he hadn't codified the modern laws of physics, Newton would be considered a lolcow by today's standards assuming he didn't die in obscurity. He was also an occultist who practiced alchemy and allegedly dabbled in Hermetic magic as well. He was obsessed with determining the date of the apocalypse (as stated before) and was a self-proclaimed mage. Literally the only thing that redeemed his image in our modern consciousness is his Laws of Physics and his writings on gravity.

If Isaac Newton lived today, he'd be the kind of guy who thinks he's a real-life Edward Elric but behaves like Alex Jones and probably would call Coast to Coast AM every night.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I was watching Killing Reagan tonight, and does anybody else think the man who tried to kill the President, John Hinkley is autistic?

(also, Hinkley lives near me in Williamsburg, VA with his mommy since being released from the mental hospital which is totally not worrisome at all )

 

[Sailor_Jupiter]

I was watching Killing Reagan tonight, and does anybody else think the man who tried to kill the President, John Hinkley is autistic?

(also, Hinkley lives near me in Williamsburg, VA with his mommy since being released from the mental hospital which is totally not worrisome at all )

So, basically, he's a pre-Internet version of Chris-chan..? -___-;

 

[AnOminous]

I was watching Killing Reagan tonight, and does anybody else think the man who tried to kill the President, John Hinkley is autistic?

No, he's schizophrenic or a schizoid personality, like Nick Bate.

 

[GethN7]

Since the Bible is considered historically accurate in general even if scholars quibble endlessly over most of the minutiae, I figured this belongs here than in the fictional lolcow section:

http://gethn7.blogspot.com/2017/03/top-five-dumbest-people-in-bible.html

I'll summarize for those who want the short version:

5. Nabal, guy who went out of his way to piss off David, a highly skilled mercenary leader, and a lot of guys with a lot of pointy weapons, and did it for the dumbest reason ever. He died, and everything he had wound up David's anyway.

4. Uzziah, a king who did everything God ever wanted for decades, then made one stupid mistake that made him point and laugh worthy to the point it basically undid all the good he ever did. Got crippling leprosy and died in agony because he decided he could do something everyone knew wasn't allowed for him to do, but tried to do it anyway.

3. Ahab, a king who had occasional moments of doing the smart thing, but immediately doubled down on being a dumbass every time to the point he earned the moniker of "Israel's very worst king".

2. Jeroboam, a man literally handed over 80 percent of the Kingdom of David for free from God, then immediately set about flipping God off for the rest of his life, even though he knew doing so was a really stupid idea.

1. Rehoboam, the dumbass responsible for making Jeroboam taking most of his kingdom away by being such a retard it was basically inevitable, mostly because he was given the choice to ease off on being a dick or most of his kingdom would defect, and he chose the stupid option despite tons of warning about the consequences.

 

[GethN7]

Henry David Thoreau was one of the OG neckbeards. Louisa May Alcott said that Thoreau’s facial hair “will most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity.” Which is 19th century speak for "nigga is a wizard"

Gonna have to dissent on Thoreau. Man was actually a pretty level headed guy, to the point his own experience on the topic of civil disobedience was the direct inspiration for MLK. He also was willing to put what he preached into practice himself, like when he actually decided to be a hermit for two years to see if Man could improve himself by getting back to nature (i.e. - "Walden"). He had some extremist views on some things, like praising John Brown (the guy who tried to start a slave revolt in 1859 and wound up getting more black people killed than those he saved, and had previously murdered people in Kansas) as "an angel of light", but then again a lot of abolitionists did that, so he's hardly alone.

He was definitely a neckbeard though, but at least most of what he did as one wasn't too cringe worthy.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

King Ludwig II of Bavaria.

Ludwig was a man who grew up having unhealthy relations with his family, who enabled him. He never wanted to take any responsibility so he withdrew increasingly from public life and built huge fuck-off and extravagant castles and commissioned Richard Wagner (yes, that Richard Wagner) to write operas based on the heroic myth and fantasy he'd loved as a boy and never grown up from.

Of course, when you're King of Bavaria you can do these things. Unfortunately he was plunging the province into its own Financhu Crisis with spending the entire country's money not on public expenses and improvements and maintenance but on Neuschwanstein Castle and Neues Herrenchiemsee and similar extravagant projects which were the 19th century royalty equivalent of Lego and vidya. He also had a borderline incestuous correspondence relationship with his cousin Sissi, who later became Empress Elisabeth of Austro-Hungary and a lolcow in her own right. He was apparently known as "the Fairytale King" because of his preference for romantic mythology and legendry to day to day actual real life existence.

He had trolls who thought he was mad, and weens in the form of his ministers. In a fit of ebin weening, they tried to convince Otto Bismarck, at that time Kaiser of Prussia and effectively all of Germany, that Ludwig was mad and should be deposed but it backfired when he dismissed out of hand their report.

He was killed by A-Logs in mysterious circumstances in 1886.

 

[Hummingbird]

King Ludwig II of Bavaria.

Ludwig was a man who grew up having unhealthy relations with his family, who enabled him. He never wanted to take any responsibility so he withdrew increasingly from public life and built huge fuck-off and extravagant castles and commissioned Richard Wagner (yes, that Richard Wagner) to write operas based on the heroic myth and fantasy he'd loved as a boy and never grown up from.

Of course, when you're King of Bavaria you can do these things. Unfortunately he was plunging the province into its own Financhu Crisis with spending the entire country's money not on public expenses and improvements and maintenance but on Neuschwanstein Castle and Neues Herrenchiemsee and similar extravagant projects which were the 19th century royalty equivalent of Lego and vidya. He also had a borderline incestuous correspondence relationship with his cousin Sissi, who later became Empress Elisabeth of Austro-Hungary and a lolcow in her own right. He was apparently known as "the Fairytale King" because of his preference for romantic mythology and legendry to day to day actual real life existence.

He had trolls who thought he was mad, and weens in the form of his ministers. In a fit of ebin weening, they tried to convince Otto Bismarck, at that time Kaiser of Prussia and effectively all of Germany, that Ludwig was mad and should be deposed but it backfired when he dismissed out of hand their report.

He was killed by A-Logs in mysterious circumstances in 1886.

His family had a history of being nuts.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

His family had a history of being nuts.

I think a lot of the European royal houses were, what with all the inbreeding by this time. Queen Victoria was related to the Kaiser, the Romanovs, and the Habsburgs, and they'd all married each other in the past couple generations as well.

In the words of a much greater man than I, "Son of God or son of Man, you can't fuck your sister and expect anything good to come of it."

 

[Hummingbird]

I think a lot of the European royal houses were, what with all the inbreeding by this time. Queen Victoria was related to the Kaiser, the Romanovs, and the Habsburgs, and they'd all married each other in the past couple generations as well.

In the words of a much greater man than I, "Son of God or son of Man, you can't fuck your sister and expect anything good to come of it."

I think he might've been schizophrenic (since he heard voices in his head as he got older). I know he was also obsessed with swans as well.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

What? No mention of Francis E. Dec, Esq.? Dude was a paranoid schizophrenic who typed up these rambling, incoherent letters and mailed them to random people. He had a very..."unique" belief system but the short version is that there was a vast conspiracy against him masterminded by a "Gangster Computer God" that included pretty much anyone who wasn't him.

 

[Hummingbird]

How about Anton LaVey? He was an exception individual who founded a branch of satanism named after himself. Anton believed that he and people like him were the "alien elite" while everyone else was just a bunch of sheep and parasites that were only fit to used and abused by the elites. For such an genius, he was known to steal material from Alistier Crowley and Ayn Rand (who was also a lolcow in her own right) and was more of an edgelord than anything of substance.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

How about Anton LaVey? He was an exception individual who founded a branch of satanism named after himself. Anton believed that he and people like him were the "alien elite" while everyone else was just a bunch of sheep and parasites that were only fit to used and abused by the elites. For such an genius, he was known to steal material from Alistier Crowley and Ayn Rand (who was also a lolcow in her own right) and was more of an edgelord than anything of substance.

"Anton LaVey" wasn't even his real name. It was a 3edgy5me name he gave himself, and got it changed to. His real name was Howard Stanton Levey.

 

[AnOminous]

How about Anton LaVey? He was an exception individual who founded a branch of satanism named after himself. Anton believed that he and people like him were the "alien elite" while everyone else was just a bunch of sheep and parasites that were only fit to used and abused by the elites. For such an genius, he was known to steal material from Alistier Crowley and Ayn Rand (who was also a lolcow in her own right) and was more of an edgelord than anything of substance.

He was a poor man's Crowley at best, and even as an edgelord, Crowley was by far the better of the two.

 

[Pointless Pedant]

The teenage Roman emperor Elgabalus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elagabalus#Emperor_.28218.E2.80.93222.29 was the Brianna Wu of his day. He allowed women into the Roman Senate for the first time and attempted to install the sun god of the same name as the leading deity, overhauling Roman religion, but his most infamous exploits were in the bedroom. He had lovers of both sexes, and thought he was a TRUE AND HONEST woman, offering a vast some of money to any doctor who could make him one. He prostituted himself in taverns, brothels, and even the palace. Eventually the Praetorian guard had enough of him and cut his head off.

 

[Hummingbird]

Like the previously mentioned Anyon LaVey who cribbed off of her, Ayn Rand was a lolcow in her own right. A self-proclaimed genius who considered herself among the philosophical greats like Aristotle and pretty much brought the idea of capitalism as a pseudo-religion. Here's some of her lolziest moments...

-Wrote an essay, praising a man who kidnapped a 12-year-old girl, held her for ransom while taunting her family, had already killed her when he finally got the money, threw out her severed body parts as he drove away and laughed about it. She railed against the "ugly" people who wanted him dead because they empathized with the victim's family when Rand believed that mean ol' society dragged this poor man down (which made him break the law). I think he was the inspiration for the protagonist in "The Fountainhead".)
-She also cribbed quite a bit from other writers that she drew some trouble with accusations of "Anthem" being a rip-off of "We".
-"Atlas Shrugged" had a literal 60 page speech on her pet philosophy and Bioshock proved that her great society would be full of fail.
-Spent her life railing against social security, but started taking it under a fake name later in life without finding any of the hypocrisy.
-Assuming this story was true, she started befriending this couple and when the husband refused to dump his Christian wife for someone "more rational", Rand and her followers began ostracizing them. Then again, Rand did have this cult of personality going where you were expected to smoke (because you're striking a match against tyranny).
-She also inspired a number of lolcows like Terry Goodkind, Linkara, Jay Naylor and I kind of want to throw Steve Ditko in there, but I'm not sure. (Ditko is a recluse with extreme opinions, but he doesn't seem like that bad of a guy.) Also, a number of her fans can be major jerks.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

-"Atlas Shrugged" had a literal 60 page speech on her pet philosophy and Bioshock proved that her great society would be full of fail.

Not to mention that she's pretty much the real life equivalent to Andrew Ryan, the villain of the game. The two have a lot of common in terms of lolcowness but Ryan has some batshit qualities about himself too (Would Rand think that starting an underwater city was a good idea? Idk)

I tried reading Atlas Shrugged but dear lord, it was a chore. I didn't even get to the long ass speech. I go back to it eventually but I'm not looking forward to it.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

The teenage Roman emperor Elgabalus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elagabalus#Emperor_.28218.E2.80.93222.29 was the Brianna Wu of his day. He allowed women into the Roman Senate for the first time and attempted to install the sun god of the same name as the leading deity, overhauling Roman religion, but his most infamous exploits were in the bedroom. He had lovers of both sexes, and thought he was a TRUE AND HONEST woman, offering a vast some of money to any doctor who could make him one. He prostituted himself in taverns, brothels, and even the palace. Eventually the Praetorian guard had enough of him and cut his head off.

And he collected cobwebs.