Direct Messages

Agony

5:30 pm

:(

Hey hey, you awake? (edited)

I am, what's up?

I am having depression I think

9:06 pm

I feel really really bad, hard to move or do anything

9:06 pm

I think this feeling will be gone tomorrow, I think I just need to hear it

9:07 pm

I feel so stupid asking a 19 year old for help sorry

You're fine!!! Ask for as much help as you want. I think it's normal, considering this is the (first?) Time you've been really inlove, and it must feel like you don't have much agency in what's to come, you're just kind of waiting on her now.

9:10 pm

Do you feel numb?

Yeah like absolutely nothing could make me happy atm, or everything is just reminding me of her

This advice isn't very helpful, but there's not much you can do to outright fix this feeling. My best advice is just keeping yourself busy, and chilling, watch something, play something, whatever you feel like you can manage, it'll help keep your mind busy

Yeah I just don't want to do anything

9:15 pm

I just need to teleport like 24-48 hours into the future and it will be better

You don't feel like you could listen to music, watch a show, read?

No, everything feels gray right now, I tried playing my piano earlier and it didn't feel like anything

How about food, have you been eating and drinking?

No, nothing today, I think I had some eggs and bacon yesterday morning

You need to eat

I don't eat when I'm stressed

9:19 pm

I don't think I could

Its gonna make it worse

9:19 pm

I wish I could hug you

x.x

What are you thinking about

Lying to myself about the possibility of her saying yes at the end of the month

I guess here's how I would look at it, though it might not be possible for you to in your current state. No matter how much you think about it, its not going to change the outcome, you just have to standby. You obviously already know this but it might help to hear it idk

Yeah I know that logically

9:23 pm

But if I think it's gonna be good at the end of the month this will be the best month ever

9:23 pm

But if it's a no and I build it up I'm going to be right back here, except maybe even worse

9:24 pm

If she needs 30 days to think about things after saying we're soul mates and fucking me and saying she loves me a million times this weekend there's no way she's going to say yes

9:24 pm

Otherwise she would have already

Well think about it this way

She said she was going to talk to her dad about it, I know he likes me 100000x more than the loser guy she's with now

9:24 pm

But I think her mind is already made up

Do you think she's the type to do all this, if she knows she's going to leave you

No, but I think she's really really scared of committing again to public life because of how humiliating it's going to be to be a divorced mom

9:25 pm

And it's easier to just fade away out of the public eye

Is that not a possibility?

What?

While being with you

9:26 pm

To fade out

Probably not, it's not like I'm going to retire streaming or anything

9:26 pm

So she'll have that stuff in her face constantly

9:26 pm

The only way we can date is if she can overcome those issues

So I'm a little confused I guess

9:27 pm

Nvm no I'm not

What about?

I was confused why she was against dating you, but it was different with the random loser, but I understand now

Yeah it's not really about me or him at all

9:29 pm

It's about whether or not she can handle being in the public eye after her divorce is made public

Do you not think you could just not date publicly, and do it in private?

I mean we'd be living together, I don't think that's a very realistic arrangement

9:33 pm

Plus I don't even know if I'd want that

9:33 pm

Like part of my love for her is how much awesome stuff we could do and work on publicly

9:33 pm

If everything has to stay a secret it removes a major element of that

That's fair

9:34 pm

I'm sorry I'm trying really hard to think about what to say to help

It's okay there's nothing you can really say or do without lying to me

9:35 pm

I think just typing some of this out has helped

You do need to eat though

It sounds so stupid but I've never actually been turned down by someone I've shown myself to before

9:35 pm

And I feel like we have such a unique history that I'll never run into someone like this again, it's as close to a soulmate as could ever exist for me

9:35 pm

We have like 5 years of on and off shared history

9:36 pm

I ate some cookies it's helping a bit

9:36 pm

Sorry I'm just dumping there's nothing you can say for any of this I know

Well I was atleast able to suggest some things to deal with it

Yeah for sure I appreciate it

And being able to type it all out

9:37 pm

Will help in the long run

9:38 pm

If you keep it all in your head you'll obsess on certain aspects

Thanks for chatting, I appreciate it.

What will you do now?

Lay on the couch until I feel better

Look at memes on twitter, or start a new series, I promise it'll help a little bit if you stick with it

Hey, how's it going?

Just laying here, staring at her message box and trading innocuous messages

11:03 pm

Feeling a little bit better

That's good, are you feeling any more motivated to do stuff?

Not yet

I'll leave you be for now, let me know if I can help at all

Okies, thanks so much for chatting so far, I really appreciate it

Anytime :)

Ugh I got a thing she sent me a week ago that she carved Rose kill me loool

11:16 pm

That's so cute

11:18 pm

I guess these gifts do touch you huh

lmao true

12:04 am

I think I am just torturing myself but she seems like she's open to it in a month I can't tell, maybe she's just waiting to see if I really break up with Melina

12:04 am

Sigh fuck

12:04 am

I swear I will never do this again to you lol thanks for letting me vent

Nooo you can always vent I promise

Okay I just finished reading

12:16 am

These messages don't seem like they're from someone who's made there mind up

12:18 am

I feel so bad for you, everything's so open ended it must be difficult not knowing what's going to happen

12:18 am

I would lose my mind

12:23 am

Can I ask you something

What's up

You said in your dms to her that you "should be over this in a couple days" do you think that might come across poorly to her? (I might just be being dumb but I think you've said that before in dms to her)

I just mean getting over the emotional pain of not being together, she knows that

Okay I think I read it wrong lol

Hey, how's it going?

It's going

3:37 pm

Hard today but way way better, no depression feeling anymore

Thats super good!

3:43 pm

Streaming today?

Yeah I need to slide back into my rhythm

LEAGUE

not that rhythm lol

:(

YES

5:01 pm

You couldn't resist the rift

x.x

Imagine you comeback now and get diamond within 2 days :o

x.x

7:15 pm

I feel like it's gonna get bad at night again, Melina's flying out to Austin

Did you end things with her?

Yeah basically

How did it go?

Not good

7:55 pm

Fuck I'm worried tonight is going to be really hard

7:55 pm

Like yesterday

7:55 pm

With Melina not here

7:55 pm

Feels really selfish

Do you have any friends that could come over or something?

No

Do you feel bad right now?

A little, and I feel like it's going to get really bad at night

8:01 pm

Yesterday felt like I was in a really bad part of an acid/mushroom trip

8:01 pm

and those always feel worse at night

Is streaming helping at all?

a little but there are so many stupid things popping up that remind me of her

8:06 pm

I think it's still just a time thing that I need to get over

8:06 pm

and now I'm really really worried about being here alone tonight with no one else

I know exactly what you're talking about, you'll see something that's not even vaguely related to her, but your mind makes the association without you even intending it to, and it bring up the emotions again?

Yeah something like that

8:10 pm

not as intense as before but still there

Yeah and it just makes your chest feel numb or something

8:11 pm

It's going to get better though, I promise, just have to keep pushing through the pain for now, and it'll get easier and easier

You feeling okay?

Getting by

I think with Melina out of town now I'll know within a week where Lauren stands then I can finally figure everything out and move forward

That's really good

5:49 am

Have you talked much to Lauren since you broke it off with melina?

Uhhh just a little on Discord via text but it's just very very platonic ATM lol