My name is “B”. Through 2.7 years, I was together with a girl who I will call “M”, who is now my ex-girlfriend. I am keeping this anonymous to protect both of us. When we got together, I was in my early 20s, and she was 15. We, in our infinite wisdom, thought that we could beat the odds. We were convinced that it was possible to make an underage relationship work all the way to old age. In hindsight, that is an extremely hard task to successfully achieve. I thought that for the sake of cataloging my experiences and my revelations, I would write a fairly anonymous post about my underage relationship, how things progressed, and where things went wrong. Why? So others don’t make the same mistakes I made. 
There are numerous divides in an underage relationship. Firstly, the party that is older than 18 tends to be more independent, less needy, more enabled to do things. This is due to having a car or being able to take public transportation without a chaperone, money to go out and do things due to having a job, and key world experiences that aren’t accessible to a minor. The underage party, in contrast, will be tied down by definite obligations like school, chores, the inability to leave home, the inability to stay out past a curfew, and other people thinking for them. It basically comes down to the inability to contribute much beyond feelings to the relationship. A normal stable relationship between two people focuses on both parties doing their emotional and physical parts to keep things fresh, interesting, and sustained. Since the relationship I had did not have these sorts of necessary contributions from M, I can tell you that it is almost impossible for someone underage to contribute while still technically living under the wing of their parent (or parents). 
THIS IS REALLY LONG, CLOCKING IN AT ALMOST 10k WORDS. Make sure you have time to read it all the way through. It’d make me happy if you did. I even hope that M reads it, eventually. While I also hope she doesn’t get mad over the contents, this is my story from my perspective. She can spend the time to write her own story if she wants. She is a good writer, far above her peers, so that might be nice. Or she can bring any complaints to me directly :P But I’m posting this for my sake, and for everyone else who can benefit from my experience. I won’t hesitate.
THE STORY OF B AND M
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I met M at a Japanese anime convention. She was very pretty to me, with a beautiful smile, good facial features, and a curvy figure that, while she had some excess weight she needed to shed in the coming years, still attracted me very much. And the most attractive thing about her was this: Her ability to be on the cutting edge of topics. We were both very in to nerd culture, we kept up with daily news and happenings inside the culture, and we even had the same ringtone on our phones when we met. Without going into too much detail, we were both hipsters for a lot of the same topics. Within a few weeks of chatting online and seeing each other during her summer break from school, we were officially a couple. Since we’re huge nerds, I asked her out using a Mabinogi reference, even though it’s a game I didn’t enjoy beyond a few concepts. Regardless, I decided to use a reference we would understand and enjoy. This ability to make references between each other was extremely helpful in keeping us together, because we were always on the same page of culture. 
Things could not have been more magical for us in those first few months. Her mother, who managed a shop about 15 minutes away from my home, would drive her 15 year old daughter to the shop in the morning, and I would pick M up from the shop, take her to my home (a house with 2-3 other guys living in it), and we’d hang out all day. I would drive 40 minutes to take her home every time, and that meant another 40 minutes to drive back alone to my place. It was hard on my finances, hard on my psyche, and hard on all other aspects of my social life. I was the head of a household of fighting gamers, individuals who are as strong in their opinions as they are in their playstyles. I paid the bills and had to collect rent from the roommates. Upon coupling up with M, I started having to section off my social life, devoting much more attention to her online and in person than to my previous friends and acquaintances. At the time, this did not matter to me. Moreso than loosely connected acquaintences that shared a couple of interests with me, I desired (and still desire) a live-in relationship with someone who really wants to know and accept me for who I actually am, for all the things I feel I can’t show everyone. While M could not live with me, she was a member of my household and my family whenever she was staying over for the day.
When I hear about most guys entering in to an underage relationship, they merely are in it for the sex, or the excitement factor of having a young girl, or… honestly, I really couldn’t say for sure what the appeal is. But for me? I thought about my decision for a long time. My consideration was that I had been single for my entire life, and this girl attracted me in every way that I thought I wanted. If I was going to agree to be together with a young 15 year old girl, I had to promise myself this: I had to carry through and take on anything until she was 18 years old. At age 18, perhaps I could re-evaluate our positions and dedications. But until that age, it was too risky not to dedicate myself completely. There were always stories of underage girls, head-over-heels in “love”, who eventually threatened their older boyfriends with taking them to jail for statutory rape, or an older boyfriend being charged with statutory rape because of assumptions, a slip of the tongue, the actions of concerned family members, and more. Of course, from the beginning to the end of the relationship between myself and M, we joked a little about the whole jail issue. I was assured that she would never, ever, ever do something like that to me, no matter what I did. I am certain that was assuming I didn’t become a terrible person bent on ruining her, which I never did in any way.
Our happy summer days of spending 2-3 days per week with each other ended rather abruptly. She was still a grade schooler and she was just starting her sophomore year. I was still struggling to find my place in the world. More on that later. Truth be told, I had a surplus of a few thousand dollars in my bank account before I met M. It was my intention to start school the fall after I met her with the help of my father’s dollars. This didn’t pan out, mostly because I was lazy and unmotivated to really do the legwork to get financial aid and/or student loans. I could blame this new relationship on making me less interested in completing my required paperwork, but let’s be realistic: It’s my life, and if I really wanted to do something, then I would have worked hard to make it happen. Instead of attending school and getting my life and finances truly in order, I channeled my energy into making my relationship with M work in the long run.
Our multiple visits per week turned into a single weekend day being dedicated to each other. Occasionally, during breaks or half-days, I would also go to see her. I would spend time at her home with her family, consisting of her mother and her sister. They all are legal residents from Mexico who were not yet American citizens. It was hard communicating with M’s mother, as her English was poor. She was very protective of her daughter, very concerned about my age but never confronting me about it directly. It was hard to talk to her about anything because our inability to communicate on the same level. For your reference, I talk very similarly to how I type. 
M did not get along with her mother very well. She always complained about chores, her mother’s mannerisms and priorities, and hated putting up with her mother’s bossy yet lazy nature. M’s sister was a crass person who always seemed to have something nasty and insulting to M, never encouragement. I also want to mention briefly that this sister sexually abused M when they were both younger, as I am told by M herself. In addition to her mother and sister, M also had a step father. He was a Mexican man who lived in California. Years back, M, her mother, and her sister all moved to AZ for reasons I still don’t understand. The step father had good work in CA, so apparently he stayed. I don’t know all the details, but he did work for the court system as a translator, and sent money back to his family every month. This man was very under appreciated by M and her family, but he also had his annoying tendencies that I experienced once I met the man. No one is blameless, here. Not even I.
We continue seeing each other about once per week for the rest of the year. M’s school grades weren’t amazing when I met her, but her poor grades this time were blamed on me. Perhaps it was just M’s fixation on me that her mother saw as a distraction. Unfortunately, I can’t take any responsibility for actually deterring her from her schoolwork. Often, I would encourage her to get along with her mother, her sister, and to keep up with her schoolwork. M preferred to spend time on the internet chatting with me, playing around with Japanese things like eroge (Japanese porn games. nope, not kidding here), draw on her PC tablet (making cute anime-style art), chatting with people in Japanese-themed chat rooms, and perhaps other things that I never knew about. These tasks took up a lot of her time, and she make an honest effort to really understand her school topics. She also never asked for help, something which I would have gladly given her. M’s mother, upon learning I was 23 years old, became generally distrustful of me. I guess it’s to be expected since we couldn’t communicate properly. Since there communication issues, I still tried to get on the family’s good side, but it was all for naught. M was convinced that her home life was awful enough that she should seriously consider running away.
Knowing the legal ramifications of such behavior, there is absolutely no way that I would let an underage girl with a protective mother live with me. It was never an option. But when someone says they want to do something, I naturally want to believe them. I researched things and got her all the information she needed to run to a government-approved program, called Safe Place. I also collected information about Child Services, phone numbers to helpful organizations for troubled teens, that sort of thing. In hindsight, this entire situation was dumb. M’s situation wasn’t bad enough to warrant running away. Remembering my years of growing up, I had similar convictions of independence, but the process to becoming self-sufficient and emancipated was so long and hard. I never had the knowledge or the perseverance to go through with it, no matter how crazy my own mother was. In a way, I projected myself on M by enabling her to consider this as a viable option, but even an unloving household that takes care of your basic needs is better than what most kids run away from. This is something I regret, something that I cannot change. Giving her this information caused the ultimate destruction of our relationship, though it was long and drawn-out.
At the beginning of our second year, about 7 months into our relationship, M ran. She went to a Safe Place. She was dragged back home after a few hours by her sister and the police. A few days later, M’s mother and stepfather (who traveled to Arizona just for this) went to the local courthouse and files an Injunction Against Harassment against me, which is essentially a restraining order. They lied all throughout the application, yet the injunction was granted. This did not mean that it was legally binding… yet. The document had to be served to me by a police officer in order for it to go into effect. Since it was a minor restraining order, M’s mother and stepfather would have to pay the police for the delivery of this document. They didn’t do this yet, but left it hanging over me, looming on the horizon. Seeing as I wasn’t legally bound by it, I continued to see M every few days after my work ended, only meeting up in secret for 20-30 minutes at a time. This went on for months, until M’s mother caught wind of us actually communicating. To counter this from continuing, the document was served. I was immediately bound by law not to communicate with M or her stepfather. 
At this point, I’m not comfortable talking about the time I was bound under this injunction. It would be nice to let all my feelings out, but this period in time will have to remain a mystery. Just know that a few months later, I attended a court hearing for this injunction in order to have it quashed, or dismissed. Since neither M’s stepfather nor mother could attend the court hearing, the injunction was quashed. I could once again communicate with M. But at this time, she was trapped in Mexico. Her mother considered her to be out of control, so she left her in Mexico during one of their annual/biannual trips to the country. Her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. took care of her for a bit, then she went and lived with her biological father for a couple of months. She had a psychiatric evaluation, which was completely clean. Her father reported normal behavior, even approval of me when I wrote him a heartfelt letter of my hardship and convictions, translated into Spanish by M so he could understand it.
During this time, I started feeling pretty needy. I was getting older and more experienced, and I really wanted to be with my love more than once per week. I wanted freedom to love and express myself. I wanted more than I was getting. But I was dedicated, and sucked it up after my desperate emotions were not taken seriously by M. While I could pay her attention and help her with her problems, she was never able to address mine, or provide me the special attention that I needed as her boyfriend. This is while she was still in Mexico, and I simply wanted to have serious talks of the future, and soothing talks, and loving talks. But alas, that was asking too much. She didn’t like being serious, only enjoying herself when she was playing, having fun, experiencing culture. Talking seriously with me did not seem very fun to her after we were together for a year. 
After she was finally allowed to leave Mexico and live with her mother in Arizona again, I was warily allowed to see her in her own home. Soon after, I was allowed to take her out, under the understanding that I couldn’t take her to my own house yet. I had moved since the last house was mentioned, and I was now a 35 minute drive instead of a 40 minute drive away from M’s home. Not a big difference. Within a few months, we began hanging out at my house again for a full day on the weekend, once per week, just like we used to.
Because of our endurance through tormenting odds, we were best friends. We experienced plenty of hardship together, worked through it, and enjoyed the same culture. We enjoyed each other’s company, and had a good social dynamic that made people think that we were the “perfect” couple. But for the next year and a half, I struggled with my alcoholism and depression, my inability to keep a job for very long, and my hatred for the society that I am most definitely an unwilling part of. I couldn’t keep a job for more than 3-4 months generally. A few of them lasted up to 6 months, but those ended because no one ever realized my talents and specialties, my attention to detail, my WORTH. I will tell you now: I’m definitely worth something, and when you are not noticed for your worth, it makes you very bitter with your circumstances. I hemmed and hawed, whined and complained, made excuses and ran away from reality for a very long time. I did this through my weekly meetings with M, my alcohol use of 6-10 drinks per night, and escapism through video games like Team Fortress 2, Heroes of Newerth and Bloodline Champions. I did not go and meet new people, and I did not spend enough time with the people I knew. I did not want to be a part of the outside world, only my inner circles. I traveled out to California a little to meet old friends, I traveled to a couple of fighting game tournaments, but my skill level was not nearly good enough to win like I had in the past. I was a broken individual, clinging on to this underage relationship as one of the last realities that I wanted to keep close.
So if you haven’t gathered, I was plagued by depression. I didn’t know my place in society. I hated society for not providing me a place automatically, which I still believe is a pretty justifiable feeling in the world we continue to live in. Things keep getting more complicated, and they don’t show any signs of slowing… but that’s another story for another time. My depression led me to try marijuana, or cannabis. By using a little bit of cannabis per day after work, I was able to stop my abusive drinking. I was able to calm down, think out my problems, think out my situations, and get good sleep. I was able to properly digest food again (as alcohol has never treated my digestive tract well). I was able to think outside of the box I was trapped inside. Due to my controlled use, I was a self-medicated medical marijuana user. While I still say the stuff can help depression, I made a fatal mistake: I convinced (not just allowed, but CONVINCED) M to try cannabis. This was a mistake. I don’t think that children should be trying cannabis for recreational use, as it’s not nearly as innocent as letting your child take a sip of beer or have a small glass of wine. As a relaxation device, cannabis has its uses, but it is easily misused if not taken with a lot of care.
For many months, M and I smoked or vaporized cannabis during our weekly meet-ups. Without surprise, it makes it even harder for us to communicate deeply as lovers. We were best friends, then best stoner friends. I do not enjoy getting stoned with others, as it’s so hard for others to use the drug constructively. While my initial intentions were pure, I soon realized that the both of us bacame quieter and more introspective around each other. Thoughts were harder to share and convey between us than ever before. I even felt that some of M’s thoughts and ideas were that of an average stoner, voicing poorly conceived ideas and opinions as you might expect a stereotypical pot smoker to make. On a personal basis, I had already learned to keep my mouth shut when stoned and not spread any possible misinformation. But that was me, the adult, the old guy, not the impressionable young girl who was still growing. Even more than me, she was still trying to find a place in the world for her.
Now, you already know that we met weekly. That was generally on Saturday, occasionally on Sunday. So what happened during those days in between our meetings? We chatted over AOL Instant Messenger, or AIM. We hardly talked about anything too deep, even though I often wanted to. I wanted to make plans and start moving on real life circumstances, and I had no intention of leaving M behind. To accomplish this, I hung around on AIM, available almost constantly during M’s waking hours at home to maximize the time we had to communicate with each other. This was an attempt to satisfy my needs, as I still wasn’t satisfied with just our weekly contact. Our online conversations were lackluster as well, but I stayed on all the time in the hopes that… well, you know how you keep on doing something in order to increase your chances for something more substantial to happen? Like continuously killing monsters in a video game in order to get a rare item? That sort of thing. Maybe it helped, but I couldn’t tell. It was my daily grind.
I want to insert here that there were certain things that I wanted M to accomplish. I wanted her to get her driving permit. This is obvious, because she would need to start driving not just for my sake but for herself. I constantly attempted to get her to work on this, to talk to her mother and/or biological father in order to get a car to drive. Though I prodded a lot, she didn’t try hard at all to make this happen. I wanted her to work on her art, which is something she has great pride in. However, she generally could only do frontal views of characters, mainly fanart, never properly exploring different positions or perspective in her work. Since it was her pride, I didn’t dig into her too hard about her art. Also, I prodded her to get a job during the summers. Hell, let’s step way back: Since I met her, I urged her to work in her mother’s shop for the money and the job experience. She did not accomplish a single thing that I really wanted, opting instead to chat online for hours with people I didn’t know, draw some things for herself and friends, and play Second Life. She made a lot of social connections online this way, and had a group of real life friends from High School that she would hang out with. Rather than work hard to meet goals in her life, she replaced me.
So, her time away from me was filled with online interactions with other nerds and real life outings with school buddies. However, she did not want me to spend time with her other online friends, and she did not want me to spend time with her and her real life friends. I was considered too hostile and not “fun” enough to hang out with them. On my end, I loved inviting M over to meet my friends, I invited her to play games I played and chat with my online friends. I also was very willing to meet her friends and play her games. I installed and played some Second Life with her, but she usually flew / teleported off and never really involved me in the game or her experience of the game. If I got frustrated or confused, there was little she would do to teach me or bring me into the game that she enjoyed. There’s a particular story having to do with her real life friends that I want to state, too. I don’t enjoy posting these stories as I want this to be as fair and impartial as possible, but this story will illustrate how I was taken advantage of with little done to make up for it. 
One weekend, M hung out with her school friends. I do not think we hung out that weekend at all. Her plan was to visit a mall 1 mile from me. She and her friends were taking a train down to the central part of town since none of them had a car and a license. I offered to meet her and her friends there so we could all hang out. She denied me. I asked if she wanted to break away from her friends to come hang out at all. She denied me. So, with not being allowed to be involved with her all that day, I stayed at home and was pretty bitter. In the evening, she calls me. She can’t find a sushi place I took her to once. She was trying to be the leader of the group. I give directions on the phone, trying to be as helpful as possible, trying not to be bitter. Eventually, they wander around using my directions and find it. I get a thanks, and the call was over. Sigh. I go back to what I was doing. A little while later, she calls me again. She says the buses have stopped running, and she really needs a ride for… HER AND HER FOUR OTHER FRIENDS in my 5-seater car. OK. I’m a helpful boyfriend, so I only grumble a little, then leave to pick her up. I was visibly and audibly unhappy about this. I mean, why shouldn’t I be? I was denied the opportunity to spend any quality time with her that day, and now I’m playing chauffeur for her? And her friends she didn’t want me to hang out with? Friends who aren’t mature enough to drive themselves, pay for a taxi, or enough sense to not get stranded somewhere with no way home, friends who just want to feel good and have fun at others’ expense. If I’m bitter, it’s because I have reasons to be. I load these jerks into my car, which was illegal as they were never all safely seated in order to fix 6 people in my 5-seater, and drive them to the train station. M apologized a bit, but you know what? Apologies DO NOT CUT IT when you’re inconveniencing someone all day like that, especially someone you often say you love. M and her friends offer a few weak thanks for the ride before clambering on to the train back home. I can’t even remember what happened after I drove home, but I know that M has never made an effort to truly make up for that. On that day, I saw myself as a tool, merely there to be used. I’m a bloody person, and I want more than to simply be used. Throughout the entire relationship, she never tried to see me using her own means. I always had to drive to her if we were to meet. I once even gave up a California trip to hang out with her. That was an important trip to me for many reasons, and I missed out on a lot of personal R&R. I made many, many sacrifices for her. I claim to have received anything similar.
There were a few major bumps in our relationship like the story above, but we generally just got over it silently and continued our weekly meeting routine. This all continued up into a new year, at which point we had been together for over 2 ½ years. We were quickly closing in on her 18th birthday. When she was 16, I made a significant request of her. I didn’t make requests often, but this one was important to me since I had been pretty selfless throughout the relationship up to that point. Unattractively selfless, sure, I get that now, but still selfless. My selfish request was: When M turned 18, I wanted her first weekend. I wanted her to come to my place (possibly on her own, not me driving her), stay for a night or two, and actually be a real couple with me. Even now, I consider this request is completely reasonable if you really consider all the effort I put in to making things work between us. I even have a whole section about it near the end of this story. When I asked this question at age 16, she completely and overwhelmingly said yes, because obviously, it was natural that we should spend time together properly after all the time we had waited. Back at the turn of the new year (2011), her 18th birthday kept edging closer and closer. But during this time, she started taking birth control. While she will make the juvenile claim that I should accept what she says and not blame hormones, I saw her change so very clearly after she began taking those drugs. She turned into a different beast, and began making poorer and poorer daily decisions about her future. She seemed distant, perhaps lazier and more unmotivated than ever. In hindsight, I’ll admit that during our time together at my home, it seemed like smoking pot made it so she didn’t have to pay attention to me or take me seriously at all. It’s really unfortunate that I have to realize this now, because that is truly is all my fault. 
The plan for years was that after her high school education ended and she was 18, we would live together. At the beginning of the year, the lease on my 2nd house was up, and I was fed up of living with my roommates. I also considered them lazy and unreasonable to work with. Of course, I had been pretty lazy, too, so the blame was on everyone. I wanted to start fresh in a new home. While looking for places to rent, M stated that since she was moving in with me, she must approve of the new home before I rent it. I was OK with this, but I continually brought up a topic: “Do you really want to move in with me? Can you make it? You’re sure you don’t want to stay with your family?” Every time I asked, even a month before I moved from that 2nd house, I was convincingly assured that she wanted to get out of her family’s house and live with me. There was no doubt. Advancing, I rented a small house with two bedrooms. It had enough room for myself and for when M would move in. At a local home improvement store, M picked up a painting guide with great pride, as she seemed completely dedicated to fixing up her future home that she would be living in. Then, in the next 2-3 weeks, my future plans came crashing down. 
I moved into the new home and started fixing it up for us. In all honesty, she didn’t help much. Maybe she didn’t know what she could do, but she also didn’t explore options. Instead, she smoked pot and passed out when I worked on things. She just wanted to have fun, not seriously think about her future with me. At the end of January, I once again proposed my specific request to her, asking if she would be spending her first weekend at age 18 here with me. She told me no, that she wasn’t willing anymore to go against her mother’s wishes. Her mother’s wishes were to have M at night, else her mother couldn’t sleep at night. At that point, I saw the first hint… no, GLARING FACT that she was no longer mine. I had lost her. I didn’t understand, how could this have happened? But being as understanding and passive as I could, I didn’t go too crazy over this response. After all, we were still a couple. As I had been planning for weeks, I spent that last weekend in January in California, playing video games and chilling out with the same old friends of mine as I had done so many times in the past. The Tuesday after I got back from that trip, we met at a park near her home. The fact that we met like that instead of at either of our homes was the clear warning sign that something big was about to go down.
Before we met up, I considered a lot of things. I considered, no, she couldn’t break up with me. I had done too much for her, and if anyone was qualified to cause a break, it was me. But since I was still dedicated, we would stay together. Continuing with that line of thought, I considered the plan for her to move into my new home. If she wasn’t willing to spend a weekend there, then maybe she was ready to make up with her family. I was very dedicated, so that was OK with me. I would stick with her through that. But in my mind, I was determined to tell her that because she wouldn’t get a driver’s permit or a license, because she wouldn’t get a job, we would have to take a step back and re-evaluate her plans to move in, as I knew her moving in wouldn’t help her reach new heights. 
We met in a comfortable spot in the park, no one there to bother us. I had to drive 25 minutes to get there. She walked for 5 minutes. It becomes a serious talk right from the start. The most serious we’ve ever had. I can’t even remember most of it. Hah, I just teared up thinking about it just now. We sat facing each other, we cuddled some, we cried on each other some, then sat back to back for a while. These actions should at least show that we still cared for each other on a special level. These are the main things I remember coming up in conversation, and they’re hard to recall without an emotional response: She wanted to be single again, as she hadn’t been single since she was 12 years old. Our relationship was stagnant, which was true. She told me she was bored. She told me I often made her feel inferior. She wanted to grow up and get married, maybe even have children. She also never communicated these things to me in the past, as they had never been mentioned before. She finally told me that our age difference of 8 ½ years was finally becoming a problem, that we were too different. And at the end of it all, she decides to break up with me. She claimed she wanted to stay friends even after the break up. We worked so well together after all, right. Heartbroken and barely maintaining any sort of cool left within me, I get up and walk away after she says it, leaving her sitting alone in the park. Sobs, tears, and screams took priority on the dangerous 25 minute drive home, my body shuddering constantly as I raced back to my only safe place left, my home.
This is the area that still hurts me even now. There was no consideration and reflection on what should be done. She took action and cut my feelings off. In between all the relationship stagnation, thinking about her future, her marriage, wanting to be single again, there’s not a single topic of, well, why NOT us? Why not think about getting married to me and having kids with me? Because I made M feel inferior? That shouldn’t have been it, as I will claim now that I never simply made her feel inferior, but put time and effort into explaining why or why not. I was as gentle and understanding as I could have been, and I had the knowledge and resources to back up anything I said. If I didn’t, I kept my damn mouth shut.
So then, the conclusion can only be because of our age difference. That really has to be it. But don’t be mistaken, as it didn’t matter a single bit how old I really was, or what I knew that made her feel inferior. The only point that this boils down to is that suddenly, after repeatedly convincing me otherwise, she wasn’t ready to grow up and take responsibility for all her actions. She wasn’t ready for any responsibility. She couldn’t stand up tall lay claim to all her actions good or bad, instead reverting to her normal feelings of regret, sadness, failure. Well, as a wise person said, Man The Fuck Up. Or Woman The Fuck Up. And since she couldn’t ever show me how far she was willing to go for my benefit, I don’t know if she really cared. She may have felt that she cared, felt that she cared a lot, but in the end she never could show anything substaintial that I could believe in. Not a single visit, not a single notable concession, not a single heartfelt plea to change my ways if they were ever a problem. Because of all of this, and even while accepting I have plenty of flaws, I cannot take responsibility here. I worked my ass off, and the thanks I got was “no thanks”. Again, if I seem bitter, it’s because I have every right to be. There’s a lot that I haven’t told in this story because nitpicking is not the goal. This is just to give you a feeling of what it can be like. And it’s not even over yet.
After the breakup point, our friendly relationship was awful. She talked to me about nerd things. I wanted to talk about us, and life, and important things. I was getting older, I had just lost my future that I had bet my life on for the past 2.7 years, and my prospects were seriously and utterly bleak. She was not willing to talk about the two of us much. She apparently had a lot of pent up frustration about me and my tendencies. And yet, even after the breakup, she expected me to pick her up, take her places, feed her, and give her cannabis to smoke. She kept important belongings of mine that I asked to be returned. From the beginning, that is not the relationship I wanted from her, as lovers or as friends. With shallow communication about only culture and not about feelings, I constantly got frustrated with pent up feelings. They got worse over time when she wasn’t able to address them or give me the answers I needed to feel at peace. I was still convinced that she was the one for me, that she was smart, capable, and willing to learn and grow. I saw nothing to support this after the break up, so it was merely a force of habit to console me. For a month and a half, I endured this friend relationship, unable to come to term with my feelings, and unable to escape contact with her due to constant Facebook and AIM communication. I needed to vent my frustrations, I needed my feelings addressed seriously, or I needed to drop her entirely. I tried just that. We met up in person, and I told her I was doing to say my peace, defriend her until she was 18, and try to heal. She then told me she wasn’t leaving until we were on good terms again. And so we talked some.
While on THAT day we ended up on good terms again, my thoughts led me around and around about the one-sidedness of the break up. It was not her right to break up like she did. It should have been discussed and considered and then acted upon. Instead, I feel like she committed nearly every high school cliche she could, leading me right to my sanity’s breaking point. I had nervous breakdowns at home and at work. I was unable to function. I still did not want to hang out with people. I was addicted to her. And what was worse, my money situation wasn’t getting any better. I led myself down into an abyssmal place, cornered, lonely and afraid of my own future. The only chance to get over this would be to be reborn somehow.
Through a lot of pain, I came to terms with my unhappiness. I still knew that I had to separate myself from her if I was going to continue my life. I had to be given time to heal and become unattached from such a terrible break. I was still bleeding emotionally, and the longer I kept in constant contact with her, the worse my condition got. I started pushing back, which caused a few spats. In the last argument we had, M went there. She did what I thought was the unthinkable, the thing that still hurts the most, the worst slap in the face after I had done so much for her: “I’m done being [a friend] to you. Treating me like this? I can put you in jail. And yeah, I am being childing enough to do it if I wanted to.”
And after that, I have never looked at her the same. Whether it was the birth control addling her inner emotions, whether she was never as smart, loving, or accepting as I thought she was, I really don’t know and it doesn’t matter. When someone crosses the line like that after all of your positive contributions and loving care for years, there’s no automatic way to make it up. That inexcusable quote will forever separate us until she wants to make a heartfelt apology in person for the chaos she’s caused. I even have my own things that I’d like to apologize for, because honestly, I’m still a little broken at being at odds with someone that I loved so dearly. I want to talk that stuff out. At this point, I don’t want to be friends, and I don’t want to be lovers. I just want to come to terms and have her understand her role in everything that happened. I wouldn’t mind if we were friends or even made some chemistry happen between us in the future. More than anything, I want her to grow up. I want her to be a good person that cares for people. I invested too much in her for her to turn into a spoiled brat full of entitlement and undeserved personal power. And I think by carrying her along for years by feeding her, clothing her, spend my time and money on her, it’s possible that I even stunted her growth. It’s my fault that happened, because I was immature and naive. I can admit it, and I’m a better person because of it. 
It’s been many moons since the breakup, and I’m doing so much better since we broke off of communication. My social game has improved. I’m meeting a lot of new people. Hell, a lot of pretty people, male and female. My self worth has increased, and I am meeting amazing and inspiring people because of it. I’m not even close to being done yet. I am convinced that in a one-sided breakup, the couple needs to spend plenty of time away from each other in order to get over those lingering (or very apparent) feelings they had for each other. I know this clearly from my own harrowing experience.
But what is the problem with M and I talking things out and coming to terms with everything equally? I don’t know if it can ever be equal, at least not for a long time and a lot of learning on her part. I’ll be young at heart for the rest of my life, so when she reaches a level like that, maybe it’ll be possible. I have a lot of truth that I want her to face, and if she doesn’t think my words and my truth are important, then we’ll stay at odds forever. I know that just three months after our breakup, she got into a long distance relationship with a boy that she’s been talking online for quite some time. And now that he’s moving to Arizona. It -really- sucks to think that an ex you loved had a relationship backup plan for if/when we broke up. Maybe this was even more planned than that. I don’t know. But I have many many many many reasons to come to a realization like this. It’s not unfounded. But it’s also not worth me bothering over. I care about myself right now, and all I want is to care about a girl that I -know- cares for me, too.
THE MONEY & THE TIME
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Over the years, I spent a lot money to keep M and I together. I even got quite a bit into debt. There were many reasons for this, and I cannot put all the blame on her. No, it was my fault the debt occurred, and my fault that I was so generous at all turns of the relationship. Note that the data below is not what I think about. Raw data and numbers should never factor into a relationship, and I would never hold this raw data as an accurate representation of what was “owed” in the relationship. This will simply give you a clearer picture of the effort I put in as the older party in an underage relationship.
Consider this math: When I met M, I lived in a house 26.6 miles away from her home. I’ll be generous and say we only saw each other 4 times per month. There were different circumstances, but I’m not going for anything but an estimate of miles and money. For the remainder of our first year, that’s about 30 days we met * 26.6 miles(4 trips per day combined, to and fro) = 3192 miles. My car, not including maintenance costs, gets about ~30 miles per gallon. Gas prices are always changing, but 3192 miles / 30 Miles Per Gallon = ~106 gallons. Let’s round gas to about $3 per gallon, and the first seven months was ~$318 in gas. Now, there was about $10 per day spent on her, not including what was spent on myself for eating out, snacks, or other things like arcade fare, park admission, etc. If we’re talking about 30 meetings, that’s anothre $300 on her. $618 in the first year. That estimate looks low, but I’ll let it slide. Add in two more years with the similar data (104 weeks, 104 trips, 24.2 mile trip from my 2nd house, ~$3/gallon for gas, $10 spent for food and other things), and we arrive at a couple of more thousand dollars added on to the tab. Again, I don’t want to be too exact here, because they really cheapens the point I’m getting at here.
Next comes the time involved. Driving alone was 40 minutes each way, with 4 trips to and fro made, so that’s 160 minutes per day, about 2h40m in driving each weekend. Again, 30 days for the first year, then 104 days for the next two years = 134 days * 160 minutes = 21440 minutes = ~357 hours spent driving to see her. I will mention there wasn’t a single time where M made the effort to see me under her own power, so the driving was all me. With a single extra weekend day free, the amount of time gained to invest in myself is enormous: 134 days * 12 hours that M and I were together or driving around = 1608 hours. After that much driving and that much time spent to see someone and keep them happy, you would expect enough respect for a clean, mutual break to happen, right? You would expect an attitude from an empathetic person to be indebted to you for doing so much for them, even if the relationship itself wasn’t working out. I wasn’t given those considerations, which is why things still hurt so much. After the first year or so, she never showed signs that I treated her like she was special. Instead, I was left feeling like a tool.
It’s because of this that I caution anyone from starting an underage relationship. Understand what you’re putting in, and what you’re getting out. Weigh these approximate values carefully. If they don’t line up, then put your chemistry with this person aside until you both can afford to do the science experiment. It’s for everyone’s well-being. Relationships are resource management, and improper handling of those resources could leave you hungry for more. Just like me.
My own situation is terrible because on top of the debt I accumulated from courting someone underage and unable/unwilling to reciprocate, I now have a two bedroom house that she “approved”, thus I naively signed a lease for. I’m paying more in rent and utilities than I need to be, which is making my debt even harder to pay off. I estimate that it wil take a little less than two years now to break even again. That’s terrifying. I can’t really spend money on myself and my future until two years from now. I will suck it up because it’s the only thing I can do, but I could have been done in months less time if it wasn’t for the house and utilities I am now burdened with living in a house built for two people. 
THE WARNINGS
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Communication: If you are having doubts in your relationship, you need to express them. You need to have your fears addressed and taken seriously. I doubt I conveyed my needs in terms that M could understand, so perhaps it’s my fault there was a breakdown in communication. But the fact that we didn’t really talk over the possibility of breaking up, the fact that it simply happened, shows a clear breakdown in communication. Once the two of you stop talking, it’s all over. 
One-sided breaks: If you cannot discuss a break and come to a mutual decision, both of you need so much distance. You should not try to be friends. It will not work out. It will plague you and/or them until one of you snaps. Generally, the one who initiates the break is better off and more at peace than the broken person, as they breaker had the will to make the break in the first place. But even if breaker thinks everything is OK, don’t let it get to their heads. Things are not OK, and they never will be unless both parties share and come to terms with their differences. 
Underage relationships: Regardless of the magical chemistry you might have with someone who is still under the age of 18, don’t do it. Not yet. I was warned many times to stay away until M was 18, but I did not heed those warnings because no one could explain why. From a first person experience, I can tell you why.
1. An underage partner will never be able to treat you as well as you can treat them. 
2. An underage partner does not have the life experience to make right choices in important matters unless they already have an incredible amount of endurance and drive. One or the other is not enough.
3. An underage partner does not have the time to figure out and fulfill their older partner’s needs and requirements.
4. An underage partner does not have control of their own lives yet, so essentially you are going out with them and their parents/guardian in spirit every time you want to do something. If you are not on good terms with the family/guardian, then you are forever at odds with your partner until they’re ready to turn their backs on parental/guardian support.
5. An underage partner has not learned proper responsibility for their actions yet. They are not mature enough to make the right decisions at the right times. They are not mature enough to take control when they need to, as it’s not something that is required of them outside of school while they are still minors. 
6. The age of 18 in the USA is important. Even if your country / state allows the coupling of persons under the age of 18, you’re still wrestling with family, curfews, time, and freedom in general. Where ever you live, the partners need to be able to take control of their own lives in full, no matter what is thrown at them. See #5.
7. An underage partner’s ability to travel is a problem. You are locked into the state / country you live in until they have transporation, permission, and the money required to travel. 
8. When the underage partner comes of age, they may have changed significantly enough in their life’s direction that you’re no longer relevant to what they want out of life at the moment. Unless, perhaps, you have the money to back them in all their life goals. If you choose to do this, you will find yourself very poor, and you will probably lose the relationship anyway. See #9.
9. Suggested reading: Naomi (Chijin no Ai, lit. A Fool’s Love), a Japanese novel by writer Junichiro Tanizaki. It’s short, easy enough to read, and provides a lot of insight into these sorts of relationships. 
To sum these up, you and your partner are able to enjoy each other to the fullest when these things line up: Law, money, and freedom (which includes time). It’s awful that the first two matter, but they do. We can’t change that with the society we have, so law and money will remain relevant to the success of an individual. You’re making a terrible gamble with everything that you hold dear when you decide to pursue someone underage in this society. My advice is that you really do stay away. It really is for your own well-being and for their development. I wasn’t lucky enough to have developed my emotions enough before I got into an underage relationship, so maybe a failure like this was necessary to get me up-to-speed with my own emotional and physical needs. After all, being single up into your 20s is humiliating, and sometimes it takes drastic measures to change that. And now I’m a better person from all the pain and hardship I’ve endured. 
THE CONCLUSION
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To the best of my ability, I have pondered events down to this: M broke up with me because she couldn’t fathom a future with me. She, who didn’t have to worry about money for food, shelter, and transportation, left most all responsibilities to me. I can imagine it was tough to think about your future of work, responsibility, and traveling further than home, school, and friend’s places. Everything she knew would have disappeared if she had kept going, and not being able to see your future when you don’t have a lot of money to sit on to make things happen? Ugh, that’s pretty frightening. That’s something else I know from personal experience. If M moved in with me, everything she had thought that she wanted out of life was still a long time coming (if at all).
The problem was, with me, she wasn’t living for herself. Any selflessness she showed did not carry the weight of any responsibility. And what else could I expect? Without the will and desire to move on and make your own future, without the confidence behind your thoughts that, for example, “I CAN do it and it will be AWESOME”, then I don’t think she could have ever stayed with me. No, it was a much easier decision to drop me, threaten me, and ignore me instead of accept the truth that she chose a future that seemed much more stable. But she needs to realize that it didn’t have to be that way. She needs to realize how much hurt she has caused, and then do something about it.
I am still bitter that she hasn’t confronted me and taken responsibility for her actions in the past and present. But there are a lot of circumstances to consider. Some are listed above, and plenty have been tastefully omitted. But I’m certain things could have worked if M was different and more “perfect” at an early age. But who’s perfect? In the end, I won’t be able to hold anything against her if she changes by learning and growing as a person. When people learn from their mistakes and accept themselves and their possibilities, I can’t hold anything from their past against them. In the end, I had to become reborn, and the only way for M and I to get back together as friends or lovers is if she wants to be reborn as well.