<2021-05-14T22:59:07.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Can I stop gang-stalking you and ask you a legitimate question?
<2021-05-14T23:05:16.000Z> khan: Ok sure
<2021-05-14T23:13:47.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Are you okay? I feel like that post isn't the first time you've kind of... I dunno, brought this uncertainty up
<2021-05-14T23:19:21.000Z> khan: I'm really not okay, I should make that less obvious.
<2021-05-14T23:19:49.000Z> khan: My sexuality is not my biggest problem but it's something I think about way too much
<2021-05-14T23:20:01.000Z> Freelance-Elf: I mean that's understandable; was just curious if you wanted to talk about it a little privately since it seems to be bugging you.
<2021-05-14T23:26:07.000Z> khan: My crisis is somewhat cyclical and for some reason sometimes I'm in a state of mind where I forget what the specifics of it are or how to even articulate it
<2021-05-14T23:30:10.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Hrm... Is it cyclical just in that you, as you mentioned think about it so much and that you keep struggling to make sense of that? Or is there more to it like, beyond the lingering doubt or uncertainty.
<2021-05-14T23:33:48.000Z> khan: I'm not sure what that second bit means but I do struggle to make sense of it
<2021-05-14T23:34:52.000Z> Freelance-Elf: I should probably clarify; is there more to it like is there something in your life that kind of brings these things to the forefront of your mind, like a really close friendship with someone that often leaves you wrestling with that.
<2021-05-14T23:36:18.000Z> khan: I wish it was something meaningful like that but whatever my problem is it is meaningless and absurd and elusive like all my other problems.
<2021-05-14T23:37:57.000Z> khan: But I will tell you that I feel literal physical pain when I see or hear about people having what it is that I want, or sometimes my jealousy is so insanely out of control it's not even something that good that triggers this reaction.
<2021-05-14T23:40:32.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Hrm... Do you mind if I ask what exactly it is that you want or is that pushing the topic a bit too far?
<2021-05-15T00:16:27.000Z> khan: A lot of things but anything that proves my worth and humanity. I want the ability to be a bad person so I can choose to be good. I want to have real interests and passion about something. I want to be degenerate. I want to be mutually loved. I want to have a boyfriend because I'm incredibly fond of that idea. I want to have a girlfriend so I don't feel like I'm missing out even though I don't think about girls much anymore.
<2021-05-15T00:19:59.000Z> Freelance-Elf: So; and this might sound like a dumb question after all you've told me but do you feel unimportant; as a whole?
<2021-05-15T00:23:52.000Z> khan: Are you asking if I feel unimportant in the world?
<2021-05-15T00:24:12.000Z> khan: Yes I do.
<2021-05-15T00:27:21.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Mmm; I'd say that's untrue but my general worldview is that there's nobody who's truly unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Though that would probably get me off on a religious tangent which I don't want to bore you with.
<2021-05-15T00:27:38.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Do you have many friends at all? Are you often just alone with these thoughts and that overall feeling?
<2021-05-15T00:44:25.000Z> khan: What does it mean to be important to you? I know that we all may have at least a small effect in the grand scheme of things but I do not care about that. Do you mean that everyone has a purpose? I honestly feel like my purpose is to suffer in a noble fashion as a divine test or punishment. And I am failing
<2021-05-15T00:45:32.000Z> khan: I have friends but I want to spare them this. It's embarrassing how lowly I think of myself. I don't want them to think lowly of me too or feel down whenever they think about me. Their problems are not like mine. I don't know anybody with my problems
<2021-05-15T00:48:35.000Z> khan: It's been years since I had a friend I think actually liked me
<2021-05-15T00:48:54.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Well I would ask to that how do you see yourself as failing? You mentioned things like wanting to be bad in order to do good, or wanting to be degenerate which implies you are not coming up short in these regards. Nothing I've seen of you (granted you and I are somewhat strangers to each other; this in the internet after all) has indicated to me that you are in someway coming up short. You strike me as either disillusioned or perhaps disposed, but these things do not mark you as coming up short or lowly. 
<2021-05-15T00:48:57.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Why is that?
<2021-05-15T01:07:39.000Z> khan: I mean that I am failing to not succumb to despair, resent, anger, and hate over my situation
<2021-05-15T01:08:39.000Z> khan: And I am coming up short which is why I'm sad about those things
<2021-05-15T01:10:46.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Ah, I see, I see. But that's not the end-all-be-all state of things, nor is it unusual for someone to be feeling that way to struggle with these things.
<2021-05-15T02:02:45.000Z> khan: that so?
<2021-05-15T02:06:26.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Oh yeah; you're only human, you can't be expected to be perfect all the time. Hell even I have days where I struggle with similar emotions.
<2021-05-15T02:07:06.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Or at the very least where I brood over my own situation and then feel washed over with despair that I feel like I'm failing to improve or just 'do better'.
<2021-05-15T14:38:15.000Z> Freelance-Elf: How you doing today?
<2021-05-15T15:47:05.000Z> khan: I just woke up. Unfortunately I passed out with the lights on again lol
<2021-05-15T16:09:12.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Well hopefully you at least managed to get rested regardless of the circumstances.
<2021-05-15T16:09:33.000Z> Freelance-Elf: Figured I should touch base again as opposed to just see how you're doing with another round of one million questions.
<2021-05-15T16:10:25.000Z> khan: Thanks :)