<2023-04-13T03:20:34.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: hello.  i am a Godcast listener, and i have heard you say at points that if we are in need of pastoral care and need to send a "book," you are the one to reach out to here.  i am asking if you are okay with me sending you a "book" in this chat for this purpose.
<2023-04-13T03:21:15.000Z> SuperLutheran: No problem brother
<2023-04-13T03:21:31.000Z> SuperLutheran: But I will say I might be addressing it tomorrow, as it's almost my bedtime 
<2023-04-13T03:21:54.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: that is okay.  it is almost mine as well.  i will drop it though since it is typed out
<2023-04-13T03:25:00.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: I became a Christian a bit over a year ago after being very apostate for nearly a decade.  I had lukewarm catechization in the faith through non denominational churches, but I didn't stand much of a chance because only my mom was a believer (with very so-so fruits in her life) and my dad wasn't, and they split when I was in middle school, and I developed a raging porn addiction at this time that has stuck with me to the current day.the porn got so bad that I almost killed myself multiple times, and it was at my lowest low where I was finally gonna do it that I called out to God to deliver me from demons, and I think he did.  I've been bipolar several times before then and my conversion period closely mirrored my manic episodes, but it must've been something because it led to many fundamental paradigm shifts such as going from a bluepilled faggot to dissident right redpilled, total atheism to unshakable belief in God, et cetera.Demons kept tormenting me and I heard voices in my head all the time and was subjected to mental images of lust that would assault me viciously.  I full on despaired so many times that I was basically re-apostatizing every couple weeks for months, even cursing God and renouncing my faith in him, but incredibly he kept softening my heart and pulling me back to him time and again.I eventually ended up getting baptized, and I had a very bad attitude about it.  I had an antinomian vision that theologically, it sounds like baptism is necessary for salvation, and that it imparts faith in a way that sounded like a magic boost, so i went for it.  Attended an LCMS church for a week or two before asking the pastor to baptize me, showing up and getting the baptism (in the middle of a multi-day porn bender no less) and then proceeding to pretty much stop attending entirely once i'd received it.  To God's credit, it made a difference.  There was a hard before and after point here, because I could no longer hear the demonic voices or be forcibly subjected to their visions any longer, though they returned if I consented to them.However, I've been dwindling and dwindling steadily since that point (idk like 5, 6 months ago i think.)  I've had periods of higher faith, periods of higher success against my addictions (I actually did completely stamp out a severe video game addiction at the tail end of last year I had been dealing with for years,) but i always keep falling back in the mud, and my heart hasn't really been "in it" for a long time now.Around November, when a sudden injury permanently denied me a career opportunity, I fell back into one of my oldest coping mechanisms even predating porn, which is living inside of a fictional imaginary world I created.  Inside of it I have close friends, community, a purpose in life I love, and a wife.  I spend much time fantasizing there and writing little stories about the interactions I have with the other "people" inside it, and I read them to myself over and over again to simulate human contact.  (In my real life, I have zero friends, a low paying job I hate, no community or lover, and live with my mom who is ashamed of me and we don't speak.)I tried praying recently for God to free me from my attachment to the fictional world (like really prayed, on my knees crying and begging) and then went ahead and deleted it, hoping it would be magically replaced by a rekindled love of God, but that didn't happen.  It caused me to have a mental breakdown where I was filled with the genuine sensation that I had "murdered" all of my loved ones and burnt on the pyre the only thing that was giving my life meaning.  I ended up cutting up my leg with my pocket knife and it was the first time in a long time I was actively on suicide watch (no one knew just a figure of speech,) but thankfully I was able to recover all of my written documents through google support since I deleted them recently, and that brought me back to being okay.what i wonder honestly is if I'm even a Christian anymore.  I want to know if I'm reprobate, and if I am, I'M OKAY WITH THAt, because it's out of my hands if that's the case.  I just want to KNOW if i've fallen away so that i can enjoy some hedonism with a guiltless conscience before eternity comes instead of dreading the inevitable my whole life.  Bible says by their fruits you'll know them, and I don't have fruits to show.  I'm still porn addicted and do it every day without really trying to stop anymore (I've read EasyPeasy fully through twice and I'm one of the unlucky few it didn't work for, I guess,) I casually think evil thoughts and often consent to them with a clean conscience, things like harboring anger, lying, etc.
<2023-04-13T03:25:17.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: However, in spite of all that I can still intellectually assent that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and I received that forgiveness in my baptism.  I feel it is downright TWISTED I still believe this and Christianity broadly, but it doesn't motivate me to change my life any longer, and hasn't for a long while.  I'm very very close to being a practicing antinomian tbh and it isn't really because i hate God but more like I love sin and I can't not love it.  I prayed to God for a long time repeatedly for him to give me the strength and the heart to change but he never really did.So I wonder though: if i maintain this mustard seed of "yes God died for my sins, I received that through baptism, and I accept reaping the rewards of that while doing absolutely zero labor for the kingdom in my earthly life," am i actually saved do you think?  I feel like theologically the answer should be yes, because if you say no then that means i'm being condemned on account of my own works despite maintaining faith even though it's basically the bare minimum amount.  But I fear it's no just because the Bible warns that people like me don't get away with it.  Though, that might just mean that my faith will necessarily erode away by repeated sin and I won't believe anymore by the end of my life, idk.So again if you read my words and think I'm reprobate and have been given up to Satan, I'd like to hear it so that I can free my conscience at least and go mad with my pleasures.  However, if you think there's a chance for me, what do you think I should do?  As I said I pray to God to help me, to give me guidance, tell me what I need, and I never receive answers, at least none I can ever perceive.  This, personally, is the biggest reason I think I've been disowned unto the evil one.  God could've freed me from my porn addiction the many times i asked, he could have given me the faith to want him over my fictional world when i begged him on my knees for it, and he did not do so.  Why would he not grant me things that would help me and surely be pleasing to Him unless he has already resolved to say, "Go away from me evildoer, I do not know you."
<2023-04-13T11:53:42.000Z> SuperLutheran: Okay, so reading over this, I'm noticing a few things. First of all you are not reprobate. If you were, then you wouldn't use the word "reprobate" (you wouldn't care), and you would not be contacting a Lutheran pastor for help. Second, your frustrations with what appears to be God not "helping" show an ignorance of how Providence works - and that isn't your fault.
<2023-04-13T11:55:24.000Z> SuperLutheran: God provided you with a church to go to, with the Sacrament of Baptism, and with a pastor that was willing to help you out. That congregation was open to being a community for you which replaces the urge to have a ln illusory pretend-world. 
<2023-04-13T11:56:52.000Z> SuperLutheran: In addition to that, 1 John 1:8-9 promises a cleansing from unrighteousness for those who confess their sins. This church included corporate confession with would chip away at and help eradicate the porn addiction. 
<2023-04-13T11:59:06.000Z> SuperLutheran: I don't believe you are reprobate in the slightest. But I do believe that the devil convinced you to quit going to this church after a couple weeks. He fooled you into thinking you didn't need all that God was providing in that moment. Needless to say, your current bad state is definitely a sign that you were misled 
<2023-04-13T12:01:03.000Z> SuperLutheran: I would recommend going back to that church and attending *regularly.* Start attending every Sunday, and read Scripture every morning, even if it's just a few verses.
<2023-04-13T12:03:08.000Z> SuperLutheran: Romans 12 instructs us to be "transformed by the renewal of your mind." That isn't so much a matter of your own agency so much as it is *permitting* God to work according to His Providence in your life. 
<2023-04-13T12:05:52.000Z> SuperLutheran: But there is an active component for you - namely setting up good habits. If you foster good habits, they eventually crowd out the bad habits and make them much harder to keep up. This means keeping your place clean, taking care of yourself with exercise and nutrition, going to Church, reading Scripture, making a habit out of prayer, etc. This will certainly help with your porn addiction, isolation, and mental difficulties.
<2023-04-13T12:07:08.000Z> SuperLutheran: Hope that helps brother, keep in touch and I'm happy to try and help some more 
<2023-04-13T13:36:42.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: I know it's objectively good advice.  Even tho i constantly try to cope and think of other ways i could remedy my situation, it makes the most sense that me refusing any sort of community whatsoever is probably the largest problem in my life.  I read scripture and pray a bit even though it's inconsistent, keep my space clean enough to not be living in filth at least, and I do do some exercise largely to keep my chronic pain under control.  But doing anything for community is where i do nothing.honest truth though is i have no idea how i can muster up the strength for that.  That one...  is really hard for me, it was hard and something i didn't do even before i was a Christian.  I have trust issues with people because of my family, and i'm really out of practice with making meaningful social connections even though i have a very good "fake" charisma for workplace and related scenarios.when i try to go to church for fellowship, i get assaulted extremely hard by intense anxiety, and anger for people around me.  even though that congregation is mostly old folks, they're all quite nice and someone always wanted to talk to me, but when they did i was internally dying inside thinking "for f***s sake please shut up oh G** why didn't i sit in the back corner of the pews where no one will speak to me?"  Idk if it's a fear response or what but i respond to anyone trying to get me to open up and be "me" and not the fake camouflage as something hostile.i know it's Satan who is playing on my fears and angers, but the knowledge doesn't help me much because he's way stronger than me.  he can push me out of any church building as easily as the wind tumbles a leaf and there's nothing that really flows against that.the fictional world is so much more of a comfort because there's no risk, and i don't have to prove myself to a group of strangers.  i already have it all, and i know for a fact that "they" will be there for me unconditionally and will not abandon me.idk, is there something i could do to get over this?  There's honestly so much traume and ugliness surrounding this part of me that i wouldn't even know where to begin with actually dismantling it.alternatively, do you think i would get damned if i succeeded at checking out of society entirely?  i really want to buy a tiny slice of land in the middle of nowhere and literally just go live there for however long i can last on a lump of good savings inside of a tent or a minivan or something, and literally just sit there doing nothing all day letting time tick by with no responsibilities.  i acknowledge it's objectively not a great idea which i think is why God cursed me with chronic pain so that i couldn't get a higher paying job, but even acknowledging that i would still do it right now if i had enough money for it.i think this way because of the logic of "To he who has much, much will be expected."  If I have nothing to my name, no one to take care of, no earthly riches, literally just me vegetating in a tent in the middle of no man's land, it's pretty hard to have less than that, so i would assume i'd be judged less harshly for how little i produced in life.
<2023-04-13T15:01:25.000Z> SuperLutheran: So, all things considered, the only way you'll get more social (in a natural way, without a mask as you described) is by consistently putting yourself on social settings. Think of your anxieties like a sandbar or a rock in the ocean: the more water comes into contact with it, the more erosion can happen and remove the object. The more you get to know the nice people in that church, and the more you get used to it, those feelings of anxiety should ebb away with the tides of real fellowship.
<2023-04-13T15:03:59.000Z> SuperLutheran: As for the devil, James 4:7 says "resist the devil, and he will flee from you." When you read Scripture, pray with trust, sing the Name of Jesus and make the active decision to get to Sunday service, there is only so much the devil can do before he throws up his nasty little hands and leaves.
<2023-04-13T15:05:50.000Z> SuperLutheran: If you ever get the sense that a demonic presence is around, remember that you are given authority to rebuke it in the Name of Jesus Christ. As a Baptized believer in our Lord, you belong to God, so the devil has no authority over you. Satan can't actually cast you out of Church - he's honestly just trying to trick you into thinking he can. 
<2023-04-13T15:07:17.000Z> SuperLutheran: So the solution is to keep trying anyway, to keep in prayer, to embrace the struggle so you see positive change coming from it. If a strategy doesn't seem like it's working to overcome anxiety or other roadblocks, don't give up - either try again or try another strategy. 
<2023-04-13T15:09:00.000Z> SuperLutheran: As for wanting to be alone, that's not you being reprobate, that's you being an American lol. "Leave me alone"/"I wish I was in the woods" is baked into the soul of every American man. But the solution isn't to buy a strip of land and stay there until you die, it's to go on hikes in the woods every now and then - feed the hunger for solitude, but don't overstuff yourself. 
<2023-04-13T15:12:03.000Z> SuperLutheran: As for the fictional world, it seems to me that the most fictional aspect of it is that these imaginary people would never hurt you/betray you. If they're holding you back from living a real life, then these characters are actively betraying you to make your life stagnant - even though they do not exist, that is the ultimate result of their presence in your head.
<2023-04-13T17:50:46.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: Hard pills to swallow.  Honestly sounds too hard to do, but nice to know that my suspicions of solving the problem are correct and that I ignore them at my peril.
<2023-04-13T17:54:20.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: My fictional world actually has an "ending" I'm working towards, maybe 15ish pages away at this point.  Despite knowing it's willful sin to hang onto the goal, I feel that I need to reach the ending before I can actually attempt to engage in real life again meaningfully.  Even if the rest of my life ends up being pure misery, I will be able to point to the memories and writings I have, and take solace in knowing that I "lived" a life that was worthwhile.  But either way reaching the end of the story means I'll have run out of ground, and I'll have no choice but to face reality 
<2023-04-13T17:55:15.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: I think Satan knows this because I've been feeling a potent, abnormal sense of apathy towards writing even though I know I have to get around to it, like something is trying to get me to draw it out as long as possible 
<2023-04-13T22:13:48.000Z> SuperLutheran: Maybe you could collect all the stories you've written and publish them as a book? That way, parting with the imaginary life has some purpose.
<2023-04-14T01:49:40.000Z> ChiefAmongSinners: Wouldn't really be possible.  The stories are a lot more like scenes, presented as a vaguely connected anthology that is only tied together by tons of context contained only in my mind.  Doesn't need to be a book though, as far as I'm concerned, the "purpose" of it is that I'm trying to give closure to a part of me that gave me so much comfort throughout my life.Even though it changed form over time, creating an imaginary world and chronically escaping into it is the primary way I dealt with all the pain in my life as a child, especially pre-pornography.  I still have an intense security blanket attachment to it, and it's something I've never put pen to paper on before, so by creating this chronological anthology spanning an entire "life" I've had in this second world, I can give proper closure to it before taking the plunge of living real life and dedicating myself to Christ wholly, with no more distractions.And though I would hope that maybe I don't have to do this as I grow closer to God and get more of my comfort from Him, I can know that I can still go back and re-read these stories/scenes to draw comfort from them again if I ever get desperate for that.I can't tell how bad of a sin it is to insist on finishing it before I can REALLY live like a Christian should, though.  The verses about "He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of heaven" and "Let the dead bury their own dead" both sound like plain prescriptions of damnation to those with my mindset.  I hope it's forgivable though because like I said, I already tried to do the "optimal" just straight up delete it before finishing it, but I don't have anywhere near the mental fortitude to survive the fallout of that action.
<2023-04-14T12:11:37.000Z> SuperLutheran: Oh it's certainly forgiveable 