<2022-07-07T10:15:04.000Z> Intramuros_: I hear you need proofreaders.
<2022-07-09T03:13:47.000Z> Tactical: Yes, if your interested I'll PM you when my next chapter is completed
<2022-07-10T10:07:29.000Z> Intramuros_: That would be wonderful. Thank you.
<2022-07-12T05:18:34.000Z> Tactical: generally let me know how it flows for you / generally what you think so far, if there's any problem areas just screencap it or make a note of it so I can look back through and fix it https://i.poastcdn.org/f2675cfe8322e9d45daa0cea99da4fc4dad254ab8d36fcc67db389e72ab511a3.pdf
<2022-07-12T15:12:52.000Z> Intramuros_: I like it a lot. The future of 203X is a great setting. I could taste the streets of Neo Portland even if I didn't want to. You describe them well. Very good introduction to the world. Easy to sympathise with Paul even if there are some problems with him and the overall pacing. I think the action starts too soon. More about his job and life?You have a lot of great ideas (Heart replacement, indentured servitude, rampant vr and drug addiction, new racial caste etc.) that would greatly benefit from expansion. When this is finished it will be a great read.Observations will follow.
<2022-07-12T15:15:34.000Z> Intramuros_: Paul comes off as a complete pushover with a broken spirit. Nothing in him to rebel. Not even against the petty injustices he suffers during the walk to his office. He doesn't come off as someone who might forsake his job because chance fell on his desk.The demographic crisis is not done justice through mere statistics. Nothing to show the complete lack of Whites such as passing an executive lounge where the black and indian castes meet. Self segregation between browns in contrast to Whites?Schizo not the correct word to describe Gendarme's pathologisms? The fighting seems disjointed and was hard to follow. I was unsure who was getting hit once.
<2022-07-12T16:41:20.000Z> Tactical: Ok, thank you, I'll revist later today and make some edits
<2022-07-12T16:46:17.000Z> Tactical: Also I assume the second fighting scene was a bit disjointed so we'll go over it
<2022-07-12T18:02:43.000Z> Tactical: A few things I'm probably going to revise beyond grammatical and flow problems (since I write this story in various stages of exhaustion / inspiration), is Paul's dynamic since my vision for him shifted while I was writing, so I'm going to clear his character up quite a bit
<2022-07-13T15:11:25.000Z> Intramuros_: I'm glad you found these unhinged ramblings useful. I'm looking forward to more.