<2022-05-20T05:14:45.000Z> Frosche: hey i'm losing my mind lol
<2022-05-20T05:14:54.000Z> Frosche: i'm just so fucking tired
<2022-05-20T05:15:10.000Z> Frosche: why does everyhting have to be impossible
<2022-05-20T05:15:15.000Z> Godcast: Lay it all out, brother
<2022-05-20T05:15:22.000Z> Frosche: I pray for the tiniest little things and instead it all goes to hell
<2022-05-20T05:15:35.000Z> Frosche: it seems ridiculous to type it all out
<2022-05-20T05:15:36.000Z> Frosche: but
<2022-05-20T05:16:08.000Z> Godcast: Talking about it helps. I've been where you are
<2022-05-20T05:16:40.000Z> Frosche: I need to renew my vehicle registration but all my shit is from another state and it turns out I was only getting away with that because military.  Didn't realize the wife had pulled a 2 year extension and I can't do that again
<2022-05-20T05:16:56.000Z> Frosche: so I don't know, I prayed to God to just help this go smoothly
<2022-05-20T05:17:09.000Z> Frosche: because the last 100 things I've needed to take care of since she died haven't
<2022-05-20T05:17:19.000Z> Frosche: like could you PLEASE help with something
<2022-05-20T05:17:26.000Z> Frosche: make SOMETHING not some giant uphill battle
<2022-05-20T05:17:41.000Z> Frosche: registration expires on the 1st of June
<2022-05-20T05:17:51.000Z> Frosche: so now I have to get a new license and reg in my current state
<2022-05-20T05:17:57.000Z> Frosche: and the DMV needs all the identification
<2022-05-20T05:18:08.000Z> Frosche: so how does God help?  My birth cert is nowhere to be found
<2022-05-20T05:18:16.000Z> Frosche: so I'm digging through all my wife's records
<2022-05-20T05:18:26.000Z> Frosche: and look, it's some manatee we adopted together
<2022-05-20T05:18:30.000Z> Frosche: and old pictures
<2022-05-20T05:18:37.000Z> Frosche: and receipts from little adventures we went on
<2022-05-20T05:18:57.000Z> Frosche: and all this impossible to deal with shit that I've been avoiding for months because I know damn well I can't handle seeing all this
<2022-05-20T05:19:09.000Z> Frosche: birth cert nowhere to be found in any of it of course
<2022-05-20T05:19:50.000Z> Frosche: so on the one hand, I have this race against time to get my car situated or I can't drive to the job I hate which I need to pay for the house I don't want to live in that used to have the wife I devoted my whole life to
<2022-05-20T05:20:15.000Z> Frosche: and on the other I'm being bombarded with all these memories of my life that I'm not ready for
<2022-05-20T05:20:23.000Z> Godcast: If I may make a suggestion, have you taken time to grieve? It seems like you're keeping a lot bottled up inside
<2022-05-20T05:20:34.000Z> Frosche: So I'm sandwiched between past misery and future anxiety
<2022-05-20T05:20:42.000Z> Frosche: She passed in January
<2022-05-20T05:21:02.000Z> Frosche: I've done a lot of crying and screaming since
<2022-05-20T05:21:18.000Z> Frosche: So today was another horrible day in a series of horrible days and weeks and months
<2022-05-20T05:21:34.000Z> Frosche: And i just wanted to do this responsible paperwork so I can perform other duties I don't like
<2022-05-20T05:21:53.000Z> Frosche: I'm not praying for a million dollars, I just want the slightest help with anything at all
<2022-05-20T05:22:27.000Z> Frosche: so of course all my stuff isn't where it needs to be, I'm down to the wire, and then when I resolve to just go ahead and purchase/rush order a new cert, my computer had crashed too
<2022-05-20T05:22:38.000Z> Frosche: It's death by a thousand cuts
<2022-05-20T05:22:49.000Z> Frosche: and even if everything did go well, what is it in service of?
<2022-05-20T05:23:03.000Z> Frosche: Why do I go to work? Why do I come home? Why am I doing anything
<2022-05-20T05:23:06.000Z> Frosche: She was all I had
<2022-05-20T05:23:15.000Z> Frosche: No friends, my family is horrible
<2022-05-20T05:23:26.000Z> Frosche: All my eggs were in that basket
<2022-05-20T05:23:49.000Z> Frosche: God could've taken every other person I've ever encountered in my entire life in a single instant and it wouldn't be as impossible to deal with as this
<2022-05-20T05:23:59.000Z> Frosche: I didn't ask for much of anything
<2022-05-20T05:24:31.000Z> Frosche: I just wanted a silly little life hanging out on the couch with her until I died.  She seemed like she would never have kids (thanks God for denying us that too) so we had more or less accepted that was off the table
<2022-05-20T05:24:46.000Z> Frosche: We had NO demands from life but to be with each other and we couldn't even have that
<2022-05-20T05:25:17.000Z> Frosche: and as I'm tearing through her purse to try to find documentation I keep seeing all these Christian trinkets about how blessed she is and how God will take care of her
<2022-05-20T05:25:21.000Z> Frosche: keychains notepads and shit
<2022-05-20T05:25:38.000Z> Frosche: and all my brain wants to show me is those images of her in the hospital
<2022-05-20T05:25:45.000Z> Frosche: watching the life leave her more and more, day by day
<2022-05-20T05:25:54.000Z> Frosche: in horrible denial of how bad it was
<2022-05-20T05:25:59.000Z> Frosche: praying constantly
<2022-05-20T05:26:26.000Z> Frosche: As spouse, you get to be the one they ask to pull the plug.  Did you know that?
<2022-05-20T05:26:31.000Z> Frosche: That was fun
<2022-05-20T05:26:42.000Z> Frosche: I got to be the one to say "yeah go ahead and kill her"
<2022-05-20T05:27:01.000Z> Frosche: And even if I "get over it"
<2022-05-20T05:27:15.000Z> Frosche: Even if He blesses these stupid tasks I hate but have to do
<2022-05-20T05:27:19.000Z> Frosche: what is this in service of
<2022-05-20T05:27:38.000Z> Frosche: I get up.  Go to work.  Come home.  Play video game or whatever.  Go to sleep
<2022-05-20T05:27:42.000Z> Frosche: it's so hollow
<2022-05-20T05:27:45.000Z> Frosche: there's nothing here anymore
<2022-05-20T05:27:50.000Z> Frosche: I'm killing time
<2022-05-20T05:28:05.000Z> Frosche: my entire life has been reduced to reading magazines in a dentist waiting room
<2022-05-20T05:28:19.000Z> Frosche: I don't want to be here I don't want to do this
<2022-05-20T05:28:23.000Z> Frosche: I hate life
<2022-05-20T05:28:31.000Z> Frosche: I hate the concept of life and living from the bottom of my heart
<2022-05-20T05:28:45.000Z> Frosche: It's all so stupid and I don't want to be a part of itit's just a waste of time
<2022-05-20T05:28:53.000Z> Frosche: I'm in prison and I just want to break out
<2022-05-20T05:29:08.000Z> Frosche: And any time I'm on the fence about ending it I feel like God sends me the go ahead
<2022-05-20T05:29:41.000Z> Frosche: I'll have a horrible day like this and then my church will do a sermon on "there's nothing you can do that blocks you from salvation" and it just feels like Him saying "bro it's okay just go for it"
<2022-05-20T05:30:07.000Z> Frosche: I just hate it
<2022-05-20T05:30:43.000Z> Frosche: 14 years of my life
<2022-05-20T05:30:54.000Z> Frosche: Got married at 19, this is all I've ever known
<2022-05-20T05:32:57.000Z> Godcast: You've gone through something profoundly difficult. I can't lie to you and say I know what that's like. What I do know is that your wife is with God now, and that suicide is a sin, so God would never tell you to kill yourself.
<2022-05-20T05:33:36.000Z> Frosche: I suppose if He wanted me dead He'd do it Himself
<2022-05-20T05:35:56.000Z> Godcast: That's certainly true
<2022-05-20T05:36:54.000Z> Godcast: You're being asked to do one of the hardest things a person can do: simply endure and trust in God, especially when he seems distant
<2022-05-20T05:37:09.000Z> Frosche: that's the hardest part lately
<2022-05-20T05:37:22.000Z> Frosche: I feel like I'm not praying, I'm just talking to the ceiling
<2022-05-20T05:37:38.000Z> Frosche: this is what I would've made fun of in my atheist days
<2022-05-20T05:38:08.000Z> Frosche: "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me"
<2022-05-20T05:39:53.000Z> Godcast: Rest assured that He hasn't abandoned you. I'll pray for you, of course, but do you want me to put out a prayer request for you?
<2022-05-20T05:40:15.000Z> Frosche: I'll literally take the slightest bit of help I can get lol
<2022-05-20T05:42:58.000Z> Godcast: Absolutely, brother. If you have sick days, I recommend taking one tomorrow and just trying to relax. Whatever emotion hits you, just embrace it. You were obviously very close to your wife, so you may still have more grieving to do
<2022-05-20T05:43:47.000Z> Frosche: I think I may have to.  I've never seen or heard of another couple that embodied the "one flesh" concept of marriage like we did
<2022-05-20T05:46:20.000Z> Frosche: As it happens, I had a counselor tell me that our relationship was "toxic" because we were so up each other's butts.  She specifically said that if anything happened to one of us, she didn't think the other would survive and that we should have other people to lean on
<2022-05-20T05:46:27.000Z> Frosche: I should've taken that seriously
<2022-05-20T05:51:38.000Z> Godcast: It's not too late to start. You did a good thing just by venting to me, a pseudonymous weirdo on the internet
<2022-05-20T05:52:15.000Z> Frosche: I'm certainly being forced out of my comfort zone.  Opening up or reaching out are things I never had to do before
<2022-05-20T05:53:59.000Z> Godcast: We're the Body of Christ for a reason. A spleen can't get by on it's own
<2022-05-20T05:56:31.000Z> Frosche: yeah.  My church's griefgroup (Griefshare in case you need to recommend it to someone someday) is having a "end of course" potluck thing that I would've come up with a million excuses not to be at if she was still here, but I'm dragging myself to it
<2022-05-20T06:00:09.000Z> Godcast: That's good
<2022-05-20T06:00:58.000Z> Frosche: well thanks for hearing me out.  Thought I had things pretty much figured out and on autopilot at 33.  Hard reset wasn't in the tea leaves
<2022-05-20T06:01:54.000Z> Godcast: Absolutely, brother. I'm glad I could help. If you need to talk again, I'll be here
<2022-05-20T06:02:07.000Z> Frosche: thanks fam
<2022-06-08T18:24:41.000Z> Frosche: Hey bro. I respect you for not getting dragged into McNabb crap, but I thought you might get a chuckle out of this. I said my usual pitch that I'd donate to TRS if they didn't talk about religion and this was the reply https://i.poastcdn.org/3eb0544f4fbabfaf6eb6ef0ba511f110a24d8abcd0bc993a75f2022219d06237.png
<2022-06-08T18:28:01.000Z> Godcast: lmao
<2022-06-08T18:29:28.000Z> Godcast: To be fair, if it were up to me, I'd've jumped in head first, but others much wiser than myself advised me against it.  Though I'm charmed that he wanted to talk a boatload of shit without tagging me.
<2022-06-08T18:32:13.000Z> Frosche: It's for the best. He's a belligerent troll and there's nothing to be gained from it"You need to touch a boob" says most annoying person on the network. Okay pal
<2022-06-08T18:33:10.000Z> Godcast: He conceded the argument there.  If you have the facts, pound the facts.  If you don't, call your opponent an incel.
<2022-06-08T18:44:00.000Z> Frosche: Yup. Telling that he brings out shitlib atheist arguments and then plays the incel card. "I'll even do a snarky Bible reference so that it's clear I hadn't no intent of arguing in good faith"
<2022-06-08T20:45:10.000Z> Godcast: pretty much
<2022-06-27T00:46:35.000Z> Frosche: poa.st/notice/AKthRwQdGOTeojwjGi